December 22, 2011
noodles
This is really a whole lot of nothing pretending to be a post, so feel free to skip it unless you enjoy these sort of things. Brains just don't make sense sometimes, you know?
Apologies to all the winter people out there, but after 21 years of careful research and analysis, I've come to the conclusion that I hate winter. It's both cold and wet, it makes my nose turn the color of Rudolph's, and it makes me sit in my cold car and wait for the windshield to defrost, making me even later than I was originally planning to be.
There are good things though, like big sweaters and hot tea and old stone fireplaces and movie days and Christmas trees.
Anyway, the point of this is not to say that I hate winter, but to say that life is funny sometimes, and that the people you end up caring for the most come out of nowhere when you least expect them.
There's this guy that I've been seeing for a month and a half back at school (I call him a lot of things, but let's call him 'A'), and sadly he lives several states away. We have yet to see each other over break, so we text a lot. And our conversations mostly go a little like this:
A: I just made noodles ... they are so much better than yours!
E: Oh, nonsense.
A: Dude, these noodles are so amazing, yours were all stale and s**t
E: They were not stale!
A: ... Your noodles were so stale.
E: You're an ass.
A: No. You're an ass. I miss you.
E: I miss you too.
... Typical. We really do like each other, I swear.
Oh, and by the way, just for the record. Those noodles? Not stale at all.
And speaking of things that aren't relevant to anything at all, I got my grades back for this semester, and somehow managed to get the best GPA of my college career so far, despite working many hours and being completely distracted by a million things.
It's official, you guys. I'm awesome.
Apologies to all the winter people out there, but after 21 years of careful research and analysis, I've come to the conclusion that I hate winter. It's both cold and wet, it makes my nose turn the color of Rudolph's, and it makes me sit in my cold car and wait for the windshield to defrost, making me even later than I was originally planning to be.
There are good things though, like big sweaters and hot tea and old stone fireplaces and movie days and Christmas trees.
Anyway, the point of this is not to say that I hate winter, but to say that life is funny sometimes, and that the people you end up caring for the most come out of nowhere when you least expect them.
There's this guy that I've been seeing for a month and a half back at school (I call him a lot of things, but let's call him 'A'), and sadly he lives several states away. We have yet to see each other over break, so we text a lot. And our conversations mostly go a little like this:
A: I just made noodles ... they are so much better than yours!
E: Oh, nonsense.
A: Dude, these noodles are so amazing, yours were all stale and s**t
E: They were not stale!
A: ... Your noodles were so stale.
E: You're an ass.
A: No. You're an ass. I miss you.
E: I miss you too.
... Typical. We really do like each other, I swear.
Oh, and by the way, just for the record. Those noodles? Not stale at all.
And speaking of things that aren't relevant to anything at all, I got my grades back for this semester, and somehow managed to get the best GPA of my college career so far, despite working many hours and being completely distracted by a million things.
It's official, you guys. I'm awesome.
December 21, 2011
thoughts on doing your make-up at work
Guess who woke up late again?
If you guessed it was the hot-mess intern who is really only masquerading as a professional, you'd be correct.
At 6 o'clock, my alarm went off, and I gently - lovingly - touched the snooze button. Or it might have been the off button. Because my butt rolled out of bed at 7:16, and me, myself, and I had a slight panic attack. Just a slight one.
I was only the teeeensiest bit late though. Which means I had to do my makeup at my desk, and hope no one walked in. I think it came out okay?
You know what's funny though? The light is actually better here than in my bathroom at home ...
Interesting.
Anyway. Today should be fun; my department is having our gift exchange luncheon, which traditionally lasts from noon til at least 2:30, and then tonight I'm possibly finishing up Christmas shopping with one of my oldest and best friends.
And, for those of you interested, the tree is still up, and the cat is still alive. Season of miracles.
The tree still isn't decorated though.
Anybody have any fast make-up at work tips?
If you guessed it was the hot-mess intern who is really only masquerading as a professional, you'd be correct.
At 6 o'clock, my alarm went off, and I gently - lovingly - touched the snooze button. Or it might have been the off button. Because my butt rolled out of bed at 7:16, and me, myself, and I had a slight panic attack. Just a slight one.
I was only the teeeensiest bit late though. Which means I had to do my makeup at my desk, and hope no one walked in. I think it came out okay?
 |
| The longer I look at this, the more freaked out I get. Did I mention that I don't like eyeballs? |
You know what's funny though? The light is actually better here than in my bathroom at home ...
Interesting.
Anyway. Today should be fun; my department is having our gift exchange luncheon, which traditionally lasts from noon til at least 2:30, and then tonight I'm possibly finishing up Christmas shopping with one of my oldest and best friends.
And, for those of you interested, the tree is still up, and the cat is still alive. Season of miracles.
The tree still isn't decorated though.
Anybody have any fast make-up at work tips?
December 20, 2011
Venting
Excuse me while I get on my imaginary soapbox for a sec, in a
(somewhat)
poetic way.
*ahem*
1. WHY ARE BOYS SO HARD TO SHOP FOR?
Self explanatory.
I'm pretty sure the men in my life are the pickiest,
most expensive-tasted people
on the planet.
And I haven't the foggiest what to get ANY of them.
On the other hand, this website is pretty much the coolest thing ever.
Not even kidding. Check it out.
I would like some of these things
myself.
Season of giving notwithstanding.
If anyone is interested.
 |
| I don't know what this says about my sense of humor |
2. WHY PULL OUT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE IN SUCH AN ALL-FIRED HURRY WHEN YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO GO UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT?
I hate when people do this.
hatehatehatehatehatehate it.
I'm an over-the-limit (but safe, mom!) driver.
And I will gladly let people go in front of me, because hey,
life isn't a race and it's the nice thing to do.
But when people cut in front of me, I fully expect them to continue
moving with their foot slammed on the gas the way they
must have to cut in front of me.
Since I truck along pretty good myself,
it takes quite a bit of effort on their part.
So please, have the courtesy to at least
*hit*
the speed limit.
Not unreasonable.
3. WHY CAN I NEVER WAKE UP ON TIME?
I guess this doesn't count, since it's more of a personal failing.
Usually I struggle with this, but holy cheesus,
for some reason,
6 am just is not happening these days.
December 19, 2011
On Trees and Things
So, this weekend. Oy.
Saturday night was my company's corporate Christmas party. It was fancy. Some people were wearing gowns, that kind of fancy. Obviously not my comfort zone. A live band was there (they were horrible though: proof that money doesn't neccessarily imply good taste) and the first hour was open bar, meaning, of course, that by the end of that hour most people were feeling preeeeety good (did I mention that the party began at 6? No?). Through a series of odd coincidences I ended up sitting at the best table there; all the way in the back corner, and right next to the bar, which my table-mates took full advantage of. Five hours later, we were the last people to leave. And that was only because the founder of the company came over and (very politely) asked if he was going to be paying for breakfast as well. Most of the night is probably not internet appropriate, so let's just leave it at that.
My family got our tree, too. Every year we get out to the tree lot exceptionally late. I think it's a game between my parents, to see how long they can avoid getting one. The plus side of this is that the lot owner knows us, and always knocks the price down. The downside is that there aren't many trees left by the time we get there, so we don't always find the best trees. I have a soft spot for Charlie Brown ones though, so it usually works out. Our tree this year though? She's a beaut. And at $25 dollars, you can't beat that with a stick.
Our cat is absolutely going to destroy it though. It's her first Christmas in the house, and I have a feeling we're going to have to hog-tie the tree to the wall. If both tree and cat escape the holidays unscathed, it'll be a minor Christmas miracle.
December 18, 2011
December 16, 2011
Quotes From Home
Me (writing a paper on Seminole Indian agriculture): "The Seminole cultivated a variety of crops, including corn, bananas, sugar cane, and various squashes. Wait. Various squashes?"
Pop: "the only people that drink pineapple soda are Puerto Ricans ... and your brother"
Eli: "I go by a lot of names. Eli, Son, Boss, Hamshank ... "
Mom: "Would you three get out of my way?!"
It's good to be back.
Pop: "the only people that drink pineapple soda are Puerto Ricans ... and your brother"
Eli: "I go by a lot of names. Eli, Son, Boss, Hamshank ... "
Mom: "Would you three get out of my way?!"
It's good to be back.
December 15, 2011
so let's talk about my cleaning lady
One of the perks of paying a painfully large amount of money to go to a private college is that there are cleaning people. They come round three times a week to scrape the vomit off the bathroom floor and restore the dwindling supply of toilet paper and they wash the floors too, God bless them. At least that's what they're supposed to do.
Ours is a little .... questionable.
Her favorite hobbies include smoking on our back porch, talking loudly on the phone for hours on end, and mopping the staircase halfway, then leaving the mop and bucket strewn across the floor while she disappears for an undetermined amount of time.
I always try to smile at her and say good morning. Usually I get a "hmph. ehhh errr heh" kind of noise in response (this isn't Spanish. I've babblefish-ed it). So, who knows.
Then there is the matter of the Van. The cleaning lady comes in the Van. It is a maroon deal, the kind they stopped making years ago. I believe it's a Windstar. Oh, yes. So the cleaning lady comes in the Van, and then she leaves. But the Van? The Van remains, parked outside our house, in the driveway. Two days later, the cleaning lady re-appears, and the Van is still there. It has not moved.
The only thing I can think of is: she must be living in the Van.
These things do happen, you know.
December 13, 2011
“sometimes prettiest girls just do the ugliest things”
Then again, sometimes people do unexpectedly beautiful things.
They can surprise you with their caring, their willingness to do anything for you, their dedication to showing their love.
I think those are the things you have to believe in – the good in people, not the bad.
If you believe in the bad side of people, in their darkness and ability to harm you, that’s the only side you will ever see, because that’s what you’ll be looking for.
A slight slip, a crack; an indication that they, too, will disappoint you.
It’s not true.
People are good; good people make mistakes.
That doesn’t make them bad.
It makes them human.
And that makes them all the more loveable.
You make mistakes too, don’t you?
December 12, 2011
"i have decided to be happy, because it is good for my health"
it's finals week. yup.
everyone's a mess. collegeville is a giant sobbing mess of students wondering why they took this class or that one, or why the gods hate them, or why they didn't start taking adderall sooner (not that i know anything about the last one, but it happens a lot, apparently?).
on the other hand, i've decided that stress is a waste of time, and am absolutely enjoying this last week. ursinus does this terrific thing where during finals week a bunch of the staff come together and make breakfast for the students ... at 9 at night. it is so awesome. they really make some terrific chocolate pancakes, which are like the food of the gods at this point in the semester.
some people thrive off the stress, which i do a lot of the time, but for some reason this time around, i'm just not worried. i ought to be, in all likelihood. but, nope. i'm happy as a clam, really.
my brain's defensive mechanisms may be shady at best, and i may be underachieving at a miraculous rate, but everything i need to get done, will be, and it will be done well, and in five days i'll be at home!
to everyone else going through this stress ... it's all gonna be okay. take a break, remember to breathe, sleep for a little, even if it's on the lounge couches, and trust in your friends (human and caffeine) to get you through. we'll be done so very very soon.
December 07, 2011
the heart of a girl
it's a fragile place to be, full of misplaced hopes and unfulfilled dreams. it's insecure one second and floating on mists of love the next. it's not acting the way you know you ought to, because you can't bring yourself to pretend. then again, it's showing the world a different face than the one you see in the mirror. it's reacting, then taking those reactions back ten minutes later when you realize they aren't what you meant at all.
i am constantly being reminded today of the fact that God gave us emotions as a blessing, but we don't let those determine our actions.
i am constantly being reminded today of the fact that God gave us emotions as a blessing, but we don't let those determine our actions.
December 06, 2011
Mistletoe
One of my friends had an ugly sweater Christmas party last weekend. It was wonderful.
It's times like this that I am so very very grateful to be alive, to be here, to be so loved.
It's times like this that I am so very very grateful to be alive, to be here, to be so loved.
December 05, 2011
to be an anchor
 |
| (not my feet - from weheartit.com) |
If there is one thing I want it is to be incorrigible.
I want to be incorrigible in happiness, in love, in faith, in resoluteness, in putting other people first, in doing the right thing even when it hurts.
To be an anchor for others, their inspiration and hope when everything else is gone.
To know what holds me fast and rely wholly upon it.
To gather inspiration from the mundane and trivial, and run with it.
To put my faith in love and goodness and not be swayed by the rest of the world.
To never stop growing.
To be 21, and young, and wise, and stupid, to know nothing and everything all at once, to embrace the fullness of reckless abandon, to stay grounded in what matters most, to have a world of possibilities ahead of me ... forever.
December 01, 2011
I Don't Even Know Anymore
Can you love someone so much it hurts? Can you stop caring about the rest of the world for a time, for a millisecond in the infinite expanse of the universe, but long enough to drive your friends and family mad because they no longer see you or - possibly - even think you exist? Can you manipulate your time around a person so that your days are no longer centered around the things you must do but the time when you can be with them, and everything else becomes secondary? Can you honestly stop caring if you eat or sleep because it's a waste of time?
These are the questions that are on my mind these days.
That, and "what am I doing with my life?" Of course, this is never out of my head; it's an endless cycle of what-if's that never slows, let alone stops. My favorite professor designated our class time today to talking about our futures as environmental studies undergrads. I felt like vomiting. After class two of my best friends and I walked back to our house and huddled together for a solid half hour, crying. Sometimes, there are no words.
I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm doing, so please, don't ask. There are a million things I desire out of life, from staying at Ursinus in my lovely little white house forever to travelling the globe and seeing everything God created for us to enjoy. The thought of so many opportunities, all the logistics, all the things I need to happen or could make happen is so overwhelming. My body physically hurts from the stress and the thinking of it all. i'm moments away from tears at the drop of a hat. Christmas music makes me cry, the sight of babies and young families makes me cry, the idea of leaving makes me sob. And yet I'm so happy that I almost don't care. I've never felt so alive. Is it possible to have a (slightly less than) quarter life crisis? I think I'm having one.
November 28, 2011
Honestly
I have a long, long list of things to be thankful for. I really do. Somehow, in a world of billions of people, I ended up exactly here, with all the blessings that I have, and if that doesn't make someone believe in a higher power, well, I don't know what would. Material things. People. Wisdom ... So many blessings. Today I want to focus on honesty, the double edged sword that it is, because without it (and the wisdom to recognize it) we would all be floundering in the lies we create and perpetuate, pretending to not know the difference.
Honesty hurts. It does.
Honesty is telling someone when they've hurt you, or when you've hurt them, even though the telling of it might kill you.
Honesty is looking at yourself and the gaping holes that exist in your heart and knowing to do something about them, even though changing is a painful process.
Honesty is realizing that some people aren't meant to stay in your life forever, and that the past sometimes ought to remain there, even though you miss them with every breath.
Honesty is seeing the heart in a person, even when their actions speak otherwise.
Honesty is letting others see you for you, without pretentions, even though their view of you may be tarnished.
Honesty is asking for help when you need it, even when you really, really don't want to. Even though you still think it is a weakness. Even though you suck at it. And it's letting yourself be helped.
Honesty is the look in the eyes of someone you love when you first see them in the morning, before they put their walls up and the world tells them how to act. Even when your makeup is smeared and your hair a tangled mess, they still think the sun shines out your ass (forgive the vulgarity) and are happy to see you.
Honestly, this past weekend has made me realize all of these things, with more clarity than I have before. I finally feel like I can let go of some skeletons in the closet; move on to bigger and better things. And that, honestly, is the best blessing I could have asked for.
Honesty hurts. It does.
Honesty is telling someone when they've hurt you, or when you've hurt them, even though the telling of it might kill you.
Honesty is looking at yourself and the gaping holes that exist in your heart and knowing to do something about them, even though changing is a painful process.
Honesty is realizing that some people aren't meant to stay in your life forever, and that the past sometimes ought to remain there, even though you miss them with every breath.
Honesty is seeing the heart in a person, even when their actions speak otherwise.
Honesty is letting others see you for you, without pretentions, even though their view of you may be tarnished.
Honesty is asking for help when you need it, even when you really, really don't want to. Even though you still think it is a weakness. Even though you suck at it. And it's letting yourself be helped.
Honesty is the look in the eyes of someone you love when you first see them in the morning, before they put their walls up and the world tells them how to act. Even when your makeup is smeared and your hair a tangled mess, they still think the sun shines out your ass (forgive the vulgarity) and are happy to see you.
Honestly, this past weekend has made me realize all of these things, with more clarity than I have before. I finally feel like I can let go of some skeletons in the closet; move on to bigger and better things. And that, honestly, is the best blessing I could have asked for.
November 26, 2011
Schweppes
The brotha and I have a rather unhealthy obsession with Schweppes.
Of course we had to do an obligatory photo shoot in front of our garage.
Thanksgiving break, you are so good.
November 23, 2011
There are a lot of things that I love about Thanksgiving. Let's start with the obvious: food.
Turkey
Filling / Stuffing (whatever your heart desires)
Green Beans
um, Gravy (favorite)
Pie (second favorite)
Just looking at that list is making me hungry.
I cannot wait to make my own Thanksgiving dinner for my own imaginary family someday.
Like, I have the meal all planned out already. Psychotic? Possibly. I'm not ashamed.
Also, football. So much football.
And poking my dad when he falls asleep watching football, so that he spazzes violently and sputters angry things.
Life's little joys.
But more than all these things I love being home and being around the people I care about, even if it is only for a few days. Being away from them for weeks or months at a time makes me appreciate them all the more.
So God, thank you for my family and friends and the time I get to spend with them this week. You've given me a lot to be thankful for this year, more than I could have ever hoped for. (And thank you for the food. Good food is hard to find at college.)
Love, me
November 20, 2011
mustache
My widdle brotha came to visit last night.
He's a goofball.
we added to the mustache lightswitch. it now has a speech bubble that reads:
"In case of emergency, mustache can be used as a floatation device"
we are, by far, the coolest kids I know.
November 18, 2011
November 17, 2011
Flannel and Penguins
On Tuesday I met up with my Juliefriend and we went adventuring! It's been a while since we've gone, what with the annoyance of classes and all, but it is one of those things in life worth waiting for.
We spent far too much time in Whole Foods. Then again, it must be impossible to walk in and out of there efficiently. Every which way there is something more exotic and exciting. Organic vegetarian dog biscuits? Botanical supplements? The world's most amazing pico de gallo? I spent a solid five minutes staring at the pineapples under florescant lights - suddenly it seemed imperative that at least one come home with me. Oh, and the best part? It was a free sample day. Yeah. Boo yah. (Boo ya? spelling?)
Oh, and the second best part is this guy:
I wanted him real bad.
(I seem to have a fixation with stuffed animals lately?)
(Also excuse the super weird face I'm making. I swear it just does that on its own sometimes. Rude.)
The Juliefriend and I also had a lovely debate about people who wear flannel because it has recently become fashionable, despite having never worn it before. As two girls from the middle-of-nowhere Pennsylvania who grew up in flannel, we had an awful lot to laugh about. (Anyone else find this amusing?) I have no pictures of Jule, sadly, because she and my camera dislike each other. And by that I mean that it loves her, but every time it appears she makes such an angry face that no pictures of her get taken. As a classically unphotogenic person (which she is not, just saying), I totally get that. But as the person behind the camera, disappointing.
And all this loveliness came about because my class got cancelled that day. The third one this week! As far as weeks go, this one has been pretty stellar.
We spent far too much time in Whole Foods. Then again, it must be impossible to walk in and out of there efficiently. Every which way there is something more exotic and exciting. Organic vegetarian dog biscuits? Botanical supplements? The world's most amazing pico de gallo? I spent a solid five minutes staring at the pineapples under florescant lights - suddenly it seemed imperative that at least one come home with me. Oh, and the best part? It was a free sample day. Yeah. Boo yah. (Boo ya? spelling?)
Oh, and the second best part is this guy:
I wanted him real bad.
(I seem to have a fixation with stuffed animals lately?)
(Also excuse the super weird face I'm making. I swear it just does that on its own sometimes. Rude.)
The Juliefriend and I also had a lovely debate about people who wear flannel because it has recently become fashionable, despite having never worn it before. As two girls from the middle-of-nowhere Pennsylvania who grew up in flannel, we had an awful lot to laugh about. (Anyone else find this amusing?) I have no pictures of Jule, sadly, because she and my camera dislike each other. And by that I mean that it loves her, but every time it appears she makes such an angry face that no pictures of her get taken. As a classically unphotogenic person (which she is not, just saying), I totally get that. But as the person behind the camera, disappointing.
And all this loveliness came about because my class got cancelled that day. The third one this week! As far as weeks go, this one has been pretty stellar.
November 12, 2011
Chickens and Cowboys
This chicken and I were obviously mean to be best friends. We spent all morning sitting at opposing tables at the show, staring each other down. At first, it was slightly creepy, those beady glass eyes constantly fixed on me. A few hours later, though, we got comfortable with each other, and instead of despising his glare, I came to welcome it. We got on, that rooster and I. We got on well.
And at the end of the day, I found out he was going to be auctioned off, as part of a fundaiser for the Catskill Fly Fishing Museum, and my heart was set on taking him home. Set. We had to sit through the duration of the pre-auction dinner and pre-auction, post-dinner small talk, which at first seemed like ten kinds of torture, but the more we sat and waited (and sat and waited!), the more I began to appreciate the people around us.
To our right was an ex-Marine, who told us about his experiences in the service and with his sons in Boy Scouts. To our left was an ex-hippy, who lit up when I told him about my plans to move to Oregon after graduation. His nickname was Cowboy, and he was one of the originals from the 70's, the kind who knows everything that's been done before. Like my dad, he may think the idea is a little crazy, but he also believes that these are the kind of things you should do while you're young.
There was free wine provided with the meal, and as time went on, and more wine was passed around, the jokes became freer and the laughter louder. Cowboy drew a picture of me on his paper plate. The Marine shared his favorite foil-packet recipies. And then the auction began.
The Northeast is full of old money, and fishing shows are even more so: you'll see people spend more money than you think possible on things that no one in their right mind would spend money on. Small wonder, then, that when the chicken came to its turn, someone paid a whopping $260 for it, which was about two hundred more than my dad was willing to pay. I tried, though. Believe me, I tried.
So, we left without the chicken, but we got hours of laughs from the Marine and from Cowboy, and from the other intoxicated auction-goers. And I got my picture with the chicken.
(As I write this, my father and I are sitting in the hotel room, watching American Hoggers, which may be the best show I've never heard of. Hog hunting in Texas on a reality show? Right up my dad's alley. A monster has been created. "Word is, the hogs are gettin' pretty damn near knee deep up in them parts" ... do people actually talk like that? )
November 11, 2011
Portland vs. Danbury
I will not be in Portland this weekend. Nor will I be there any time soon. But I want to be. Oh, how badly I want to be. I've been in love with Oregon for ages now, but haven't been there for four years, which is four years too long, in my opinion. Still, I can remember exactly the way certain places look, how they feel, and just how lush and overgrown and green and majestic it all was, and my entire body aches to be back there, standing in deep forests and on high cliffs above a raging ocean.
I have a plan to get out there. Well, two plans really. The first involves two good friends and a possibly insane plot to pay off our student loans in record time. It's going to involve a garden and a TLC show, called "Surrogates and Sustainability," and each of us will probably need a therapist afterwards but we're going to be out of debt and living in a place that suits us more than any other, probably. We've spent a lot of time looking at real estate in the last week or so. Addicting. And the other plan? Well, that's a secret for now. Give it time though.
So many plans are buzzing around in my head that I hardly have time for them all lately. I'm busy, happy, productive, on my A Game, all the above. I need more than 24 hours in a day.
Today, as soon as work is over, I'm off to Danbury, Conneticut with my dad, tagging along at his book show, meeting a million fascinating people and seeing a town I've never experienced. Sometimes you need to get away, to see new places and new faces and new things, to get new inspiration. I fully expect to be doing a lot of writing and picture taking this weekend, and it's going to be glorious.
Happy Friday :)
November 07, 2011
Scheduling Conflicts
Today, I registered for my last semester of classes. My last semester ever.
I didn't want to give the registrar my course form. I'd had it balled up in my pocket all morning, and as I uncrumpled it and smoothed the edges to hand it to her, this little ball of trepidation I'd had inside my stomach crumpled and tightened, like one of those vacuum-sealed bags. As I handed it to her, I was so scared.
My last semester.
I've spent the last four years knowing exactly what I needed to do; to get through the week; the month; the semester. What I needed to take next to fulfill the looming requirements that were always unattainable. Graduation was a word with no context, no meaning. It was something that would never happen, not to me. But lately it's becoming real, and today, knowing that I have decided, for the last time ... well, that's weird. As usual, my schedule is overloaded and required approval. As usual, I've too many classes and ambitions and probably won't be sleeping much. But I know that's how I work best, and I'm okay with it. The complaining and occasional tearing up? It's all part of the routine. I thrive under pressure and I know it; get bored without it. I need to be constantly on the go. And that's been my life, and so soon it'll be changing. I won't have that clear-cut sense of direction anymore, that path of things I need to do to get where I'm going, because I no longer know where I'm going. After May my life, more than ever, will be entirely in God's hands, rather than my own. And that's how it ought to be.
It's a scary thing, letting go. But it is time.
There are so many options for me after May, so many opportunities, so many dreams to be chased. What right do I have to be afraid, instead of gut-tingling excited? The answer is none. No right at all.
I didn't want to give the registrar my course form. I'd had it balled up in my pocket all morning, and as I uncrumpled it and smoothed the edges to hand it to her, this little ball of trepidation I'd had inside my stomach crumpled and tightened, like one of those vacuum-sealed bags. As I handed it to her, I was so scared.
My last semester.
I've spent the last four years knowing exactly what I needed to do; to get through the week; the month; the semester. What I needed to take next to fulfill the looming requirements that were always unattainable. Graduation was a word with no context, no meaning. It was something that would never happen, not to me. But lately it's becoming real, and today, knowing that I have decided, for the last time ... well, that's weird. As usual, my schedule is overloaded and required approval. As usual, I've too many classes and ambitions and probably won't be sleeping much. But I know that's how I work best, and I'm okay with it. The complaining and occasional tearing up? It's all part of the routine. I thrive under pressure and I know it; get bored without it. I need to be constantly on the go. And that's been my life, and so soon it'll be changing. I won't have that clear-cut sense of direction anymore, that path of things I need to do to get where I'm going, because I no longer know where I'm going. After May my life, more than ever, will be entirely in God's hands, rather than my own. And that's how it ought to be.
It's a scary thing, letting go. But it is time.
There are so many options for me after May, so many opportunities, so many dreams to be chased. What right do I have to be afraid, instead of gut-tingling excited? The answer is none. No right at all.
November 03, 2011
Halloweekend
It's been a hot second you guys, hasn't it?
A hot second.
Except no, not really, because it's been cold here lately. Really cold. So cold that we got over 6 inches of snow on Halloween. Halloween! And they say global warming isn't real.
Halloween was a blast though, the roomie was Cruella DeVille and I got to play around with her hair and crazy amounts of mousse for a while. I didn't really have a costume myself so I put on my leopard print shirt and gave myself whiskers. Lamest costume award ever goes to me. I know. But we went to our sorority's Halloween party and ended up having a lot of fun with the girls, dancing like crazy people.
A hot second.
Except no, not really, because it's been cold here lately. Really cold. So cold that we got over 6 inches of snow on Halloween. Halloween! And they say global warming isn't real.
Halloween was a blast though, the roomie was Cruella DeVille and I got to play around with her hair and crazy amounts of mousse for a while. I didn't really have a costume myself so I put on my leopard print shirt and gave myself whiskers. Lamest costume award ever goes to me. I know. But we went to our sorority's Halloween party and ended up having a lot of fun with the girls, dancing like crazy people.
October 22, 2011
Today, I am a Big
Today is Big / Little Reveal!
This is especially exciting because it's my first one on the other side of things, and I can't wait to see ow my little reacts. I want to be the best big ever for her. My big is onr of the coolest people I know, and one of my favorite things about Sigma. Hopefully I can be those things to my little too.
This is especially exciting because it's my first one on the other side of things, and I can't wait to see ow my little reacts. I want to be the best big ever for her. My big is onr of the coolest people I know, and one of my favorite things about Sigma. Hopefully I can be those things to my little too.
October 21, 2011
" When I Start Feeling Sad ...
... I stop being sad, and start being awesome instead"
-- Barney Stinson
Back In The Game
Dear Life,
I'm sorry I've been a bad contact lately. You know the kind. Absent-minded, hard to get ahold of, not terribly invested. Certainly you've been trying to get me back for a few days now, but I just haven't been here. Not mentally, anyway. I barely even noticed your seasons changing, or the way the air has started to smell of fall, especially in the early morning. I was so caught up in various occupations and dramas and crises of the personal variety that I forgot to give you a chance. When you let little things pile up into big things, it's easy to do, you know.
You are a beautiful thing though. Sometimes I forget this. I know I shouldn't. In being frustrated and angry with everything instead of waking each morning to new chances and a new day, I've been doing you a great disservice. I need to remember to never be too stressed to smile. Please forgive me.
Love,
Me
Ps. Also, thank you for bringing all of my coworkers back safely from their conference in LA, and bringing them banging on my door shouting Chris Farley quotes and singing Metallica songs. Friday afternoons at the office are a crazy time. I've missed them, and clearly they've missed me as well.
I'm sorry I've been a bad contact lately. You know the kind. Absent-minded, hard to get ahold of, not terribly invested. Certainly you've been trying to get me back for a few days now, but I just haven't been here. Not mentally, anyway. I barely even noticed your seasons changing, or the way the air has started to smell of fall, especially in the early morning. I was so caught up in various occupations and dramas and crises of the personal variety that I forgot to give you a chance. When you let little things pile up into big things, it's easy to do, you know.
You are a beautiful thing though. Sometimes I forget this. I know I shouldn't. In being frustrated and angry with everything instead of waking each morning to new chances and a new day, I've been doing you a great disservice. I need to remember to never be too stressed to smile. Please forgive me.
Love,
Me
Ps. Also, thank you for bringing all of my coworkers back safely from their conference in LA, and bringing them banging on my door shouting Chris Farley quotes and singing Metallica songs. Friday afternoons at the office are a crazy time. I've missed them, and clearly they've missed me as well.
October 14, 2011
fill in the blank
So today after politics, a guy in my class came up to me and started talking. We'd never really talked before, but had a conversation about his brother's wedding this upcoming weekend and my trip to the Poconos, and he seemed really nice and genuine. And then the conversation ended rather abruptly with him asking if I drink (no), and if he could have my number.
I was up until 3:30 last night, and then up at 8 this morning. I had not showered, was wearing no makeup, and my hair was doing that stupid frizz thing it does sometime, just because.
I don't understand the male species. (Yes, species. Because girls, let's face it. They aren't just another gender. They're a different creature entirely.)
Needless to say, I laughed at him. He looked offended and I couldn't help laughing even more.
But, moving on. Fill in the blank time!
1. my current obsession is "Someone Like You" by Adele, any kind of tea, and the Killers. Also sewing? And my sisters, who make me so incredibly happy.
2. Seeing other people happy makes me really happy.
3. my greatest strengths are having a heart for others, being strong-willed, not giving up easily, pushing and expecting great things out of myself.
4. The people I love are my greatest weakness.
5. my life is busy to the extreme, sparkling, never boring, filled with laughter and tears and people who mean the world to me.
6. in high school I was quiet. I had a good group of close friends. I was afraid to stand up for myself and didn't like disappointing people, so I hardly ever did what was good for myself.
7. when I'm super tired one of two things happens. Either I get sleepy drunk and laugh at everything (and possibly sing), or I fall asleep, no matter where I am. Last weekend I fell asleep on a picnic bench in the middle of a public park. Awesome, right?
I was up until 3:30 last night, and then up at 8 this morning. I had not showered, was wearing no makeup, and my hair was doing that stupid frizz thing it does sometime, just because.
I don't understand the male species. (Yes, species. Because girls, let's face it. They aren't just another gender. They're a different creature entirely.)
Needless to say, I laughed at him. He looked offended and I couldn't help laughing even more.
But, moving on. Fill in the blank time!
1. my current obsession is "Someone Like You" by Adele, any kind of tea, and the Killers. Also sewing? And my sisters, who make me so incredibly happy.
2. Seeing other people happy makes me really happy.
3. my greatest strengths are having a heart for others, being strong-willed, not giving up easily, pushing and expecting great things out of myself.
4. The people I love are my greatest weakness.
5. my life is busy to the extreme, sparkling, never boring, filled with laughter and tears and people who mean the world to me.
6. in high school I was quiet. I had a good group of close friends. I was afraid to stand up for myself and didn't like disappointing people, so I hardly ever did what was good for myself.
7. when I'm super tired one of two things happens. Either I get sleepy drunk and laugh at everything (and possibly sing), or I fall asleep, no matter where I am. Last weekend I fell asleep on a picnic bench in the middle of a public park. Awesome, right?
Happy Friday to all of you beautiful people!
October 13, 2011
keep it secret, keep it safe
there is strength in vulnerability and in exposing your scars to the world.
there is strength in telling the truth, finally, after years of keeping it locked away, keeping it safe.
there is strength in admitting defeat, admitting that you were wrong. admitting that you need help.
there is strength in showing others your breaking point.
i am not perfect. i have many breaking points, many secrets, many scars. (don't we all?)
not a single person knows all of them. or even most.
there was one, but he changed his mind, leaving me afraid to trust anyone with my heart again.
i think it's safer that way.
but it can get tiring, being everything to everyone, and being the keeper of your own heart, never letting anyone else in.
sometimes its okay for someone else to take control for a little while.
i want to let someone else be my keeper for a while. i am tired, so very tired.
but i am afraid that all of me is not good enough to show anyone else.
there is strength in telling the truth, finally, after years of keeping it locked away, keeping it safe.
there is strength in admitting defeat, admitting that you were wrong. admitting that you need help.
there is strength in showing others your breaking point.
i am not perfect. i have many breaking points, many secrets, many scars. (don't we all?)
not a single person knows all of them. or even most.
there was one, but he changed his mind, leaving me afraid to trust anyone with my heart again.
i think it's safer that way.
but it can get tiring, being everything to everyone, and being the keeper of your own heart, never letting anyone else in.
sometimes its okay for someone else to take control for a little while.
i want to let someone else be my keeper for a while. i am tired, so very tired.
but i am afraid that all of me is not good enough to show anyone else.
Slow Loris
It's midterms week at my place of higher education, which means that my brain looks a little like this:
... For real, how cute is he? to me, he looks a little like a Slow Loris, and if you don't know what that is, GOOGLE IT. Google it right now.
Everybody together now! D'aww ...
Between working and seven classes and sorority stuff I'm very nearly exhausted ... and yes, I know I do this to myself. My parents, for better or worse, always had very high expectations of me growing up, and I've carried that over into my (semi)adult life by always taking on too much and expecting a lot out of myself. I haven't failed at anything I've tried to do yet, and I love a challenge, so it's not always a bad thing. I've always struggled with finding balances in my life, especially during a week like this, but I'm so grateful for all the opportunities I've recieved lately.
Like I've made a new friend in the past month (okay, a lot of them), but this one in particular stands out. He is kind and thoughtful and sarcastic and very, very funny.
My little has not figured out any of the clues I've left her so far! I can't wait until Big-Little reveal on the 22nd! She's so sweet and I love her so much ... and she doesn't even know it.
My fall break is this weekend, and I get to catch up with a bunch of old friends from home, who somehow have put up with me for years upon years and still want to be around. I would have never gotten through those awful, angsty teenage years without them (somehow they seem so long ago!).
And last but definitely not least, this guy:
except just kidding, because apparently I don't have the picture saved on my work computer.
... come on, brain.
that's all I've got, kids. So I'm gonna leave you with this wise, wise advice:
<(O.o)>
... For real, how cute is he? to me, he looks a little like a Slow Loris, and if you don't know what that is, GOOGLE IT. Google it right now.
Everybody together now! D'aww ...
(*abrupt transition*)
Between working and seven classes and sorority stuff I'm very nearly exhausted ... and yes, I know I do this to myself. My parents, for better or worse, always had very high expectations of me growing up, and I've carried that over into my (semi)adult life by always taking on too much and expecting a lot out of myself. I haven't failed at anything I've tried to do yet, and I love a challenge, so it's not always a bad thing. I've always struggled with finding balances in my life, especially during a week like this, but I'm so grateful for all the opportunities I've recieved lately.
Like I've made a new friend in the past month (okay, a lot of them), but this one in particular stands out. He is kind and thoughtful and sarcastic and very, very funny.
My little has not figured out any of the clues I've left her so far! I can't wait until Big-Little reveal on the 22nd! She's so sweet and I love her so much ... and she doesn't even know it.
My fall break is this weekend, and I get to catch up with a bunch of old friends from home, who somehow have put up with me for years upon years and still want to be around. I would have never gotten through those awful, angsty teenage years without them (somehow they seem so long ago!).
And last but definitely not least, this guy:
except just kidding, because apparently I don't have the picture saved on my work computer.
... come on, brain.
that's all I've got, kids. So I'm gonna leave you with this wise, wise advice:
"There's always money in the banana stand"
October 10, 2011
Old Man River
This is my father.
This is my father fishing.
And these are other pictures from our fantastic day in the Poconos on Saturday, which involved a lot of granola bars and discussing where we want to go in life, and me writing a little bit and then falling and denting his brand new several hundred dollar lense, which made me want to cry. He wasn't angry though, and that made me want to cry even more.
My father is one of my favorite people in the world.
Devil's Hole Creek,
Mt. Pocono, PA
My father is having a "what would Gavin do?" moment, which is of course what happens when he has exhausted the opportunities of a particular pool but remains doggedly optimistic that more can be dredged from its depths. 'Of course there's a fish,' he says. But in the absence of his loyal sidekick, he's left with me, and the company of his own imagination, neither of which are very helpful at the moment. The fly he has chosen to replace the first does no better than its predecessor, and he stalks off toward the next pool, muttering under his breath the darkest of curses towards the wild fish, which he is now determined have played him for a fool, and are laughing at his from their safe holes beneath the turbid waters. I'm laughing too, but only once I'm sure he can no longer see. Surely Gavin will get an earful for abandoning him on this venture, leaving him with a daughter who writes instead of fishes, and laughs instead of offering insight into the twisted minds of the local fish. He's moved three pools up by this time, but I can still hear his angry mutterings just below the din or the rushing water.
'Of course there's a fish.'
October 06, 2011
angry thoughts on a thursday
i was having a really good day today. really! an extraordinarily good day, the kind where little things come at you, and you just brush them off and go on your way, because what do they matter, really?
and then i got to work.
work is an hour away from my school. i work 2 1/2 hours three days a week. which means that i am driving almost as much as i'm working, because i like my job, and i want to be here, and yes, i take it seriously.
(obviously. i'm blogging.)
but i do, seriously.
and i'm upset at the moment, because it seems like the effort on my part is going pretty much unnoticed.
example numero uno:
i get to work, and after telling me the game plan for the day, my boss tells me that they've hired someone new, and that the new person is getting my office. so i'm moving to a new one. okay, that's fine. except i love my office. LOVE it. it's big and full of sunshine and my plant doesn't die in here because of the big window. and the new office i'm moving into? small. dark. wondow facing the wall - who does that? also the setup is totally wrong, and call me paranoid, but i do not like sitting with my back to the door (this may be a byproduct of living with my brother for 18 years).
example numero dos:
while checking out my new digs with the boss, the guy who requested i move so the new person could have my office happens to stop by. i make a joke in his direction about the crummy set-up of this new room, and his retort is something along the lines of "well, you won't be here all that long anyway."
.... okay.
then as the conversation progresses to the new buildings the company is thinking of acquiring, i ask where they happen to be. the above mentioned person looks in my direction and quips, "what do you care? you're just an intern."
.... okay.
at that point i had to leave. overreaction? maybe. but i've worked really hard to make myself an asset here, and not just an intern, and not just a dumb girl who doesn't understand things. because that seems to be the stigma in an office full of very intelligent men. would it be wise to have a talk with this guy? or just pretend i don't care?
and then i got to work.
work is an hour away from my school. i work 2 1/2 hours three days a week. which means that i am driving almost as much as i'm working, because i like my job, and i want to be here, and yes, i take it seriously.
(obviously. i'm blogging.)
but i do, seriously.
and i'm upset at the moment, because it seems like the effort on my part is going pretty much unnoticed.
example numero uno:
i get to work, and after telling me the game plan for the day, my boss tells me that they've hired someone new, and that the new person is getting my office. so i'm moving to a new one. okay, that's fine. except i love my office. LOVE it. it's big and full of sunshine and my plant doesn't die in here because of the big window. and the new office i'm moving into? small. dark. wondow facing the wall - who does that? also the setup is totally wrong, and call me paranoid, but i do not like sitting with my back to the door (this may be a byproduct of living with my brother for 18 years).
example numero dos:
while checking out my new digs with the boss, the guy who requested i move so the new person could have my office happens to stop by. i make a joke in his direction about the crummy set-up of this new room, and his retort is something along the lines of "well, you won't be here all that long anyway."
.... okay.
then as the conversation progresses to the new buildings the company is thinking of acquiring, i ask where they happen to be. the above mentioned person looks in my direction and quips, "what do you care? you're just an intern."
.... okay.
at that point i had to leave. overreaction? maybe. but i've worked really hard to make myself an asset here, and not just an intern, and not just a dumb girl who doesn't understand things. because that seems to be the stigma in an office full of very intelligent men. would it be wise to have a talk with this guy? or just pretend i don't care?
October 02, 2011
September 27, 2011
I couldn't think of a good title for this. I think it might be because I'm so exhausted that my body is beyond the point of needing sleep. If I did go to sleep now I might never want to wake up.
Today is two three (!) very exciting things:
1. I have 20 new sisters today! Of the 27 girls we gave bids to, 20 accepted! This is a huge pledge for us; mine consisted only of 7 girls, which was a mixed blessing, because we're all so close, but it also sort of endangered the survival of our chapter. So ... 20 girls! It's like Christmas, only in September! Every single one of them is amazing, and there aren't any that I wouldn't want to be my little.
2. Today makes one month with my blue-eyed guy. Which is funny, because he had to ask me out twice. The first time was one in the morning and I had been sleeping on his chest on the couch for a while. I sort of have this tendency to have sleep conversations? Like, I'll be awake, but I won't remember anything about them in the morning. So apparently he told me how much he liked me and asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend, and I said yes and it was all very nice, but I didn't remember any of it, so he had to ask again the next day. But he did (thank goodness!), without complaint, although he may have definitely made fun of me for it.
3. I GET TO GO TO THE FLORIDA KEYS FOR THANKSGIVING!
yeah. top that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
