Abroad

You may not know this, but there was a time when I spent a semester in Edinburgh, the capital of Scotland. I don't talk about it much because it seems like another time, another life - something that will always be a part of me, and in a way, define me. Anyone who has studied or spent any length of time abroad can attest to this. The life-changing moments, the things you learn, the ways you grow, and how you change-learn-grow, again, when you come home. 

Here's something else you didn't know: I miss it.

I miss it more than I thought possible, more than I could have imagined missing anything in my entire life. Somehow, it was the best and worst time I can recall. 

I spent six months in Scotland, several weekends in England, three days in Paris, four in Venice, and a week in La Spezia. Countless hours in trains, buses, subways, hostels. Hours I resented sometimes would would give a kidney to get back. Months I've recounted thousands of times in my mind.

If I wrote about it - if I could use my pictures and my memory and my words to show it to you - would you read it? Would you want to know?

I don't know how long it will take to do this. It doesn't worry me, either. There are other things in life to talk about, and this will be a smattering of tales among other life stories. I hope you'll come back and hear my stories, and hope even more that the telling of them makes it easier. 

2011

So, I've started and re-started this post about a hundred times,
give or take ninety,
because I haven't been sure I wanted to write it.
Introspection is a great friend of mine,
and a lot of times I don't share things because I'd rather think them out on my own first.
But today,
since it is a new year and all,
I think I'll work on one of my resolutions that has been a resolution as long as I can remember,
which is to be more open.
So forgive a little momentary self-indulgence.

January
In January I went through some serious panic attacks, the first of my life, really,
because I was moving to Edinburgh, Scotland for six months,
which seemed like an eternity then.
I was terrified of things changing back home (which they did, funnily enough)
but I left anyway.
Because I wanted to be brave and stronger than fear.
I discovered the joys of a new city and the pains of homesickness,
and debated jumping on a plane back home,
and am forever glad that I didn't.
I moved into my new flat and went on a rant about Scottish things I didn't understand and hated how early it got dark, and found the birthplace of Harry Potter.

February
In February I spent a weekend in London with three new friends and saw a sister from back home,
and went on my homestay to the English village of Kirkoswald,
where there were sheep and strange names for arugala, and mornings filled with rain and tea and late nights with laughter.
I discovered Scotland's best cupcakes with new friends and stayed up way too late and Skyped with people back home and tried to remember what they looked like not on a computer screen.
We went to Glasgow and celebrated Pancake Day, which is a national holiday (twice by accident),
and went to Loch Ness and celebrated my 21st quietly, with cupcakes and live music.

March
In March I went to my first Highland Ceilidh and my first Headphone party, and didn't sleep very much.
There were papers to be written but we also discovered the joys of the Scottish Uni system, which required only a 40% to pass, and took full advantage of it, since grades didn't transfer.
My study abroad program took us to the Argyll Forest,
where we stayed in a grand old stone estate house,
and went mountain biking and hiking and enjoyed (or, not) my first viewing of Braveheart.
Back in the city I made fast friends and began enjoying pub food,
and my darling Juliefriend came to visit!
The sun started to make an appearance after months of darkness, and I climbed the highest peak in Edinburgh (and paid for it the next day).

April
In April I packed up and left Scotland for spring holiday and visited Paris, Venice, La Spezia, and the Cinque Terre with my sister in London and two good friends from Uni. 
I (sort of) conquered my fear of heights and went to the top of the Eiffel Tower and ate far too many crepes and saw the Mona Lisa and realized the jeopardy of being in a foreign country without knowing the language.
Venice was the highlight of our trip.
We went days eating nothing but gelato and croissants and spaghetti and got held hostage in a restaurant and almost attacked in a back alley, 
and spent sunny afternoons on vaporettos and waving to gondoliers.
Exploring the Cinque Terre by train and foot and submerging ourselves in the sunny (but frigid) Mediterranean resulted in my worst sunburn yet,
and we rode the night train back to London. 
Our program took us to the Isle of Skye and back to Loch Ness and finally stopped wearing heavy coats. 
April was my best Scotland month; I remembered what it meant to be alive and discovering new places and travelling until exhaustion drives you home.

May
In May,
well, May was a weird month.
We found an American foods store that charged 8$ for a box of Lucky Charms,
and studied for days in the library about the Celts and Romans and the Antonine Wall,
I panicked every day about going home, and spent hours talking over tea with my new best friends.
We went out dancing a lot and enjoyed the sun, and I found my family's ancient castle of Dalhousie and was treated like royalty, and knocked off items on my bucket list.
The things that I had been afraid would change, did change,
and I had my first real head-long into a brick wall,
lay in bed crying for days,
seemingly impossible to recover from
run-in with heartbreak.
I spent a lot of sunny days by myself in gardens and castles
and late nights Skyping back home, trying to fix my heart,
and said goodbye to some of the best friends I've ever had.

June
On June first I flew home and got lost in the Newark airport, and had the entire security force looking for me, and collapsed, crying,
on my dad when I finally found him.
I went back to work and got back together with old friends,
and tried to fix things that were broken only to find that sometimes,
they are better off left alone.
I also lost my kitty after 18 years, and cried a lot for him too,
but only when no one was looking.
June was not one of my better months.

July
In July I went to Assateague Island with three of my best friends in the world and spent days and nights on the beach,
feeling very small and infinite and young.
We woke up to horses outside our tents in the mornings and told secrets.
I spent my weekends in the sun and my hair sort of turned red on its own, 
and I lost my temper a lot and missed Scotland.

August
In August I accidentally broke a good friend's heart and realized that mine still wasn't fixed,
but stopped crying myself to sleep at night,
and decided to suck it up and move on.
It's still the hardest thing I've ever done.
I did a lot of hiking and spent hours in the sun and started blogging again and missed Scotland every single day, but decided to be happy anyway.
And then I went back to school and life changed,
again.

September
September is always a whacky month, but this year was by far the craziest yet.
I loved all of my classes and got to spend sunny days outdoors, discovering my passion and deciding that, after all, maybe all I want out of life is to be simple and happy.
My brother got his Eagle and I bought a guitar that I still can't play,
and I laughed a lot with my roommate,
and my sorority got 20 new members,
and I don't think I slept more than four hours a night for weeks but it didn't matter.

October
In October, I got a little sister in my sorority and roadtripped with my dad to new and exciting places,
and realized that life always moves on, and you have to move with it.
I thought that maybe seven classes and working might be too much to handle but I survived,
and along the way met someone who changed my life, but I wasn't ready to let in yet, and then I realized I needed to let him, and spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if I could be vulnerable to that much pain again.
Then I decided to say screw it, and let him in.

November
In November I had a series of personal crises relating to being a senior,
and started to think of a new life plan,
one that revolves around being happy instead of sensible,
and got my dad's approval, which is all that I needed,
and was very happy in the choice that I'd made to open myself up to another.
Sorority life quieted down and I had time to think about the blessings in my life,
which are so numerous and beyond words.

December
Decemeber was another month of intense introspection.
I let myself be challenged and opened up to new things,
and learned that, in some cases, the views you've held all your life
aren't always are right as you thought they were.
My boss dealt with my quarter life crisis, and finals nearly killed me, and I was simultaneously thrilled with and terrified of life after the g-word.
Then, finally, I figured out who my true friends are, and the people that matter most to me,
and decided to spend my time with them, rather than worrying about people who don't.
Then I went home and back to work and spent a lot of time with my brother and best friends and family, and the stupid cat, and figured out that getting older maybe isn't so bad after all.

I'm having a hard time thinking of a way 2012 can be any more lively than this past year, but since life has a way of continually astounding you, I'm quite sure I'll be proved wrong. There has never been a year that I simultaneously loved and hated more, but I'm grateful for it nonetheless. There is something to be said about growing pains and the person that they make you into.

I Don't Even Know Anymore

Can you love someone so much it hurts? Can you stop caring about the rest of the world for a time, for a millisecond in the infinite expanse of the universe, but long enough to drive your friends and family mad because they no longer see you or - possibly - even think you exist? Can you manipulate your time around a person so that your days are no longer centered around the things you must do but the time when you can be with them, and everything else becomes secondary? Can you honestly stop caring if you eat or sleep because it's a waste of time?

These are the questions that are on my mind these days.

That, and "what am I doing with my life?" Of course, this is never out of my head; it's an endless cycle of what-if's that never slows, let alone stops. My favorite professor designated our class time today to talking about our futures as environmental studies undergrads. I felt like vomiting. After class two of my best friends and I walked back to our house and huddled together for a solid half hour, crying. Sometimes, there are no words.

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm doing, so please, don't ask. There are a million things I desire out of life, from staying at Ursinus in my lovely little white house forever to travelling the globe and seeing everything God created for us to enjoy. The thought of so many opportunities, all the logistics, all the things I need to happen or could make happen is so overwhelming. My body physically hurts from the stress and the thinking of it all. i'm moments away from tears at the drop of a hat. Christmas music makes me cry, the sight of babies and young families makes me cry, the idea of leaving makes me sob. And yet I'm so happy that I almost don't care. I've never felt so alive. Is it possible to have a (slightly less than) quarter life crisis? I think I'm having one.

Hey! Hi! Hello! I’m Emily.

This is me. There, on the right.

On the left is my best friend. We were in LOVE Park in Philly. We’re silly and awesome.

I had a blog while I was studying abroad in Scotland the second semester of my junior year of college (you can see that here, if you’re so inclined – which you should be!: http://haggisadventures2011.blogspot.com/2011_01_01_archive.html). It was the worst/best time of my life. But then I got home and life I missed blogging. Ohhhh yes I did. See, I write something pretty much every day anyway, just for myself. It’s my way of sorting through life, and it’s cheaper than therapy. It’s my creative outlet in a life that leaves very little time for creativity.

So, about me, I guess.

First off, I’m really good at transitions (that’s a lie). I also really love grammar (not a lie). My 7^th grade English teacher instilled that in me. She was a crazy little Italian woman who used to lie on the floor when we messed up, telling us to go ahead and walk all over her because we were already breaking her heart. We never really knew how to react.

Secondly (but most important), I love Jesus. I got baptized 4 years ago but it wasn’t until this last year that I actively started searching Him out. It’s painful at times, but every step is worth it. More on this later.

August 29^th marks the first day of my last year as a college student. Terrifying, amiright? By the time I graduate I’ll be an International Relations major, with a double minor in Politics and Environmental Science. Yes, it is a weird combination. No, I have no idea what I’m going to do with it. It’s cool.

I like to eat. Scratch that. I L.O.V.E. to eat. Truly madly deeply. There are a lot of other things I like, but that tops the list.

During the summer I work at a plastics company, in the water technologies department. It’s a great job. I spend far too much time talking to my co-workers. But when I focus and get down to it, I’m a machine. I’m at work right now. Obviously not in machine mode. I need to be, though, so this is it for now. Do I fail at  first posts? Probably.

I also really love inspirational quotes. My life is wallpapered in them. So here's one to brighten your day (and mine):

"It's not a question of happiness, it's a requirement. Consider the alternative." Doug Horton