Some Little Things of Import

This morning I had an appointment with the optometrist of my dreams, Dr. M. I've been in love with him since I was like, 8, and he gave me my first pair of glasses. I was blind and he made me see. Maybe not the right phrase? But he is a beautiful man. We talked about politics and sports and his cat and I think he knows I'm in love with him, but I'm not sure? Oh well. Thank the Lord I only go there once a year. #awkwardlove

Tonight, I'm making channa masala (for the first time) for one of my work friends and her son. It doesn't look too hard? I think? PRAYING that it works, otherwise I'm going to look a fool.




A has his first real big-man interview today for a job post-graduation! He's wearing a suit and everything! I'm so proud of him. Send good luck thoughts his way, if you get a sec? 

After that last post about anonymous commenters trying to hook me up with prescription happy pills, I've gotten approximately 58 emails from my secret druggie lover. Maybe it's time for a new letter? Dear Anonymous, you're creepin' me out. Time to move on. We are never, ever, ever getting back together! 

Crazy biotch cat Lily actually smiled last night ... while I was on Skype. Thankfully my Juliefriend was fast enough to get a picture of it:

I honestly can't tell if she's genuinely happy ... or dreaming about the best way to kill me in my sleep.

Lastly. Miss Living In Yellow herself is doing something really neat - her readers get to leave an comment exposing their weirdest secrets - anonymously! And so no-one knows who wrote what. Last time I checked there were over 450 secrets over there ... so go share yours! 

letters, then

It is the very, very BEST day of the week, you guys. A day with a lot of promise and excitement! Because tomorrow is SATURDAY! Which is the second best day, in my humble opinion. And it's going to be a very big weekend, with lots of planning for future-y type things. It needs to be five o'clock, like, right now.

One: Dear Lily - you have a face that only a mother could love. Lucky I like you.
Two: Dear self - facemask more often. Duck lips, less often. 
Three: Dear A - I love you. You don't even know. I love that everyone who comes into my office sees that note on my white board and smiles. 
Four: Dear Texxy - same to you. And afternoon porch naps.

Dear Inna - thank you for letting my take pictures of you and your beautiful boy. I hope I can be half the mother you are, someday. And thanks for feeding me, two days in a row. You know I will never, ever, turn down free food. 

Dear five o'clock: LET'S GOOOOO!

22,500

That, my friends, is how much money I saved my company today. $22,500 is nothing to sneeze at. Do you think they're falling over themselves telling me how amazing I am? Nope. Life goes on.

Black nail polish for fall, I think yes. Yes, there are clothes on my back seat. Yes, I live out of my car most days. It keeps things exciting.

Cheer - up pumpkin and chocolates from my wonderful friends in accounting. At least they appreciate me. 

Gorgeous fall leaves in Canada, courtesy of my Juliefriend. Lucky duck has a family cabin up there. Their foliage puts ours to shame. Shame, I tell you. 

Lastly (but most exciting), A has informed me that he's coming to visit this weekend over his fall break. It feels like I've barely seen him this semester what with his crazy workload and everything else we have going on. Usually I barely get to see him for a full day, let alone a weekend. Guys, I'm so psyched :) Boyfriend weekends are the best kind of weekend! 

remember that time? #Forever21

Remember that time I said I was going to New Orleans for a work trip, like three weeks ago? And then I went and came back, took a look at my blog and went "nahhh," and went and did life things instead?

Yeah, that happened. 

Know what brought me back? Forever 21. Weird, right? Yesterday they had their giant Columbus Day free shipping event! And I spent a lot of time filling up my little online basket, clicked "save" at five o'clock, went out for my best friend's birthday, and completely forgot. Until this morning. When I went back to the website and realized that Columbus Day was over almost 12 hours ago. And that, my friends, is pretty darn tragic.

But not really, because let's be honest, you still get free shipping if you spend over $50 and how do you spend less than that at the F21 anyway?

A hates Forever 21. He always says (like clockwork), "you're 22 now, you're too old to shop there!" And I say, "Psh, whatever!" And drag him in there anyway. 

So I knew I couldn't tell A about my F21 failure, because he would laugh, and also tell me I shouldn't be spending money anyway. #notavalidpoint

Sidenote: do you guys use hashtags in text conversations? A and I just recently have, and I feel obnoxious doing it, but whatever, it's fun. Most of our conversations end with #yolo now, even when it's not applicable. Especially when it's not applicable. 

End sidenote. Where I meant to be going with this is that I knew that some people would understand the tragedy of my failure, and that those people could be found on blogland, and so I'm here to say hey, and that I'll start stalking all of you again tomorrow.

I have some shopping to do first. 

we need a corgi, and now, I like spinach

My little brother texted me last night saying he's thinking about becoming a vegetarian. Obviously my first response was "heck yeah, brah!" but then the second was "uh, why?" because my brother is not one of those fruit and veggie loving people. Not that I am either, really, but I'm getting there, and it's pretty awesome. I've even learned to like spinach. Now that is a big step. Anyway, it turns out he watched Forks Over Knives the other day and it was some kind of game changer? Have you guys seen it? You'd think I would have, but nope. #badvegetarian

The whole eating vege thing is going pretty well. I've messed up a few times (okay, more than a few - but let's keep that on the DL) but overall, I'm really proud of myself. It's definitely a permanent lifestyle choice.

Once A finally woke up yesterday we did a bunch of shopping and a lot of walking and also some eating and napping, which is a pretty good Sunday in my book. Funny story time: we saw a guy biking who looked a lot like one of my environmental professors (who I'm kind of in love with). Both of us took off running towards the guy, A screaming, "Rich! Rich!" Guess who the guy on the bike wasn't? Rich. Guess who got the you're a freakkkk stares? We did. 

Mmmmm what else ... I'm working on speaking my mind a lot lately. A's been getting on me about it; saying what you mean instead of sugarcoating things needlessly. It feels pretty good. In return, I'm trying to convince him that we need a Corgi post-graduation. I think we're both making some good progress. 

Another thing I'm working on - loving people where they're at. I'm not perfect (wait, what?) and I have got to stop expecting other people to be. It might be even more ridiculous to expect myself to stop expecting so much of others but hey, time will tell.

There's something really nice about not having absolutely anything to say, isn't there? Liberating and shiz. I taught my work people to end all their sentences using the phrase "and shiz." It's going swimmingly. 

The end. 

Friday's Letters

So, it's Friday again. And how that happened when I feel like I just woke up Monday morning, already angry at the week ahead ... well, I don't know. But thank you, Friday, for getting here so darn fast!

Dear A - I don't know how many times I'm going to say that I love you here, but add one more to that number. I can't wait for you to graduate so we can figure out our next steps together. Oh, and we need to watch more soccer games together with your crazy friends.  What is it about sitting with the loudest people in the stands that's both embarrassing and exhilarating? 
Dear Campus Safety officer who gave me a ticket at Ursinus - Please. I gave you my life savings and my first kidney and my paychecks for the next however many years. You think I'm going to pay you because I parked in a staff spot after hours? Ha. What're you going to do - hunt me down an hour away? 

 

Dear Texxy - You are the freaking cutest dog I've ever seen, not even kidding. Maybe it's because I've never had a dog before, but coming home to your little face and you trying to knock me over every day, well, it's the coolest thing ever. 
Dear work - Okay, so New Orleans in two weeks. Hugest industry conference in the world, and it's my first time going. I got this? I got this. 
Dear people of the blog world - Does Biotin actually work? Ever since I died the ever-loving bajezus out of my hair this summer, things haven't been looking so hot. 
Dear self - 8 am is entirely too early to start throwing around words like "fortuitous," especially when your boss is already exhausted looking. Not everyone appreciates your obnoxious SAT vocab. 
Happy Friday guys :)

It's funny how life goes on, isn't it

Me with Baby J, Tuesday night

It has been the craziest of crazy weeks, and my brain is just ... I don't even know. You know those teacup rides at fairs? The ones that spin you around and around, faster and faster, until you feel like you can't take it anymore? The ones that make you puke and screw with your head for a long time afterward? That would be my week. This post isn't going to make much sense and for that I'm sorry.

I've been in the apartment since Monday night and I know I promised pictures but they'll have to wait, there hasn't been time for anything like that lately. I like being there, I wrote about it on Tuesday, and soon after I wrote it I got a phone call.

One of my best friends was having her first baby - two weeks early. Panic attack, I left work early and drove to get her with her sister, and we were at the hospital until late that night, past my bedtime, but we were there and I saw a baby being born. It was the most incredible thing I've ever seen and also the most disgusting. I am never having children and that story deserves a post of its own someday because I am so, so proud of her and in love with her little man that I can hardly stand it.

Wednesday night one of my sisters was killed in a car accident but I didn't find out until yesterday morning. I wanted to leave work early but I couldn't because of the whole baby being born that week thing, so I sat at my desk and did nothing all afternoon. Completely in shock. I can't conceive of a life there one second and gone the next.

There was a candlelight vigil at 8 so I drove down to Ursinus to be there with my sisters who had come from as far away as New York, and although it was a terrible reason that brought us together I was grateful to see them all, and so thankful to the UC community for all the support and well-wishes. We stood in front of her temporary memorial, holding candles and our arms wrapped around each other, catching each other's pain and tears. Sharing the pain, sharing love. It was so hard. We spent a long time in the Sigma suite afterwards, talking and crying and sharing memories.

A had a soccer game at 10, which I stayed to see. I was still in shock and there were still tears coming out but despite all that, watching him play and cheer on his teammates and be so completely in his zone, I couldn't stop thinking, my God I love that man. 

I don't know where all that was meant to go; sometimes I think you just need to write exactly what you're feeling and that is "lost." I am lost for words for my sisters - my friends - there is no way to explain how accidents happen and why people get taken from us, people we love. Everyone has their own beliefs about life and death and this isn't the time to get into that, but I do wonder why God pulled her so early, when she was in the midst of a life she loved to be in. I am lost and unable to put my feelings into words, I just want to sleep for a long time, but it's funny how life goes on, isn't it, and you just have to pull yourself up and muddle on and do the best with what you've got. 

sometimes, I just wake up happy

I am lucky ...



via



- to have a hilarious brother who drags me around Target for two hours buying collage supplies, agonizes over towels and thread counts, who makes me actually fall on the ground laughing twice, and who buys me Starbucks afterwards for my trouble

- to have coworkers with whom I can have intense discussions about the zombie apocalypse

- that I somehow managed to perfectly shave both knees this morning

- to have a boyfriend who sends me Lost-related texts and knows that I love being called "Freckles" like Kate

- that Jenna Marbles exists

- that the interview went well!

- to have best friends, a crafty dad, a mom who leaves "Good Morning!" notes, a body that works, and a heart that can be joyful for all of these things

in which Puddle makes a friend

Have you guys met Puddle? I honestly can't remember if I've introduced him yet. That would be him, on the right. And Spike is on the right. He's a triceratops, in case you can't tell.

Spike came home with us on Saturday, thanks to a little begging and a few tears on my part, and courtesy of the Target. 
It's kind of silly, really. The way I get attached to things.

He was just sitting there in the toy aisle, along with every other Pillow Pet in the world. But once I picked him up for a few minutes the thought of putting him back on the shelf, of him possibly never finding someone else who wanted him - it made those "pleeeeeeese, babe?" tears of mine real.

Since I got Puddle for Christmas, I tend to think of him as our baby. Part of our little family. I don't know, I guess I thought he needed a brother or something. Which is weird, I know. And even though it was silly of me, it only took a little bit of begging before A agreed. So Spike came home, and I think he and Puddle took to each other pretty well. We're going to be great parents someday, obviously.

I guess the point of all this is that I am so, so lucky to be with someone who lets me get attached to things and doesn't mind carrying a giant stuffed dinosaur around while I shop, and only laughs when he thinks I'm not looking. Cheers to you, babe. I'm glad I sat next to you in Geology last year.

the bracelet.

It's last October. I'm in my room at college, on my bed. I'm pretending to study, but I'm really watching A. He's sitting at the other end of my bed. It's afternoon and light is streaming in the window perfectly the way it always did around 4 pm. My roommate is still in class, and A is perched on top of my pillows, with string taped to my desk, and he's making bracelets.The kind with three colors that you knot around each other. I picked the colors out: white, pink, turquoise. His was turquoise, white, and orange. He loves the Miami dolphins. I remember making fun of him for that.

He made one for himself. He made one for me. It took a while because he wanted them to be perfect. We weren't dating, not yet, but that was the beginning of it, at least for me. I had something physical, something touchable, something his. And he had the other half. No one knew it but us; it was our secret. We both put them on. Tied them for each other. Left hands; matching.

I don't have a picture of that day. I wish I did, but I don't need one. Some moments don't need proof. My memory sees it perfectly. There's the sun and there's A, and he's hunched over the edge of my desk, focusing so intently on making those tiny knots complete. He's wearing that red shirt and those jeans that he always wears, and his Nikes that he'd just gotten. I loved him right there, right then, without reservations.

Yesterday, it finally broke. It fell off in the bathroom, as I was washing my hands, but I didn't notice it until I was back in my office and panicked, running all over the building to try to find it. I backtracked to the bathroom. Found it. I cried.

For the first time in almost 10 months, my wrist feels naked. There will be more; he says he'll make new ones for us. "You'll have to pick out new colors," he says. No other bracelet in the world, no matter how fine, will ever mean half of what that one did to me.

In those tiny threads, those carefully tied knots; in that impossibly small rainbow is us. Is our beginning.

double-dating with Spiderman

Weekends are such a joke. You have to wait for five whole days for one, and before you know it you're passing out way too late on Sunday night, cursing a world where you only get to sleep past 5:30 two days a week. At least, that's how I see it.

For some reason, I suck at remembering to take pictures when I'm at A's house. I guess I'm trying to focus on being "in the moment" more, which is great while I'm there, but sucks when it comes to not having photographic proof that we like each other most of the time.

We were big homebodies this weekend. Watched a lot of Lost with his parents (we're trying to get them hooked too), went to the driving range again, argued over which Drake song is best, got Qdoba for dinner, hung out in the pool. There was this funny Mexican guy who was hitting on me at Qdoba while I was waiting for my food - you know, the long eye contact, creepy smile deal. After I got my food he went up to A and said, "Yo man, is that your girl?" A said, "Yeah, she is." Creepy Mexican guy said, "No disrespect man, but she's really cute. You're lucky, man." And I didn't let A forget it all weekend.

In other news, I also got to see The Amazing Spiderman on Friday night! It should be called The Amazing Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone because duh, hello ...

... theyaresofantastic. And Andrew doesn't have creepy bug eyes like previous Spidermans that will not be named. And I'm convinced Emma and I would be BFFLs, if only she knew I existed. She could teach me how to pull off hair of any color, and I could tell her that her boyfriend is incredible, and we could probably go on awesome bowling double dates and stuff. And maybe we could go to Qdoba too?

Is there a way to actually make this happen? Double dates with Spiderman?

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE.

there's a lot of swearing in this one

A finally finished watching Lost last night, all seven seasons of it, after almost a whole year of trying. I'm so proud.

Needless to say, when I woke up this morning, I had about 20 hilarious texts waiting for me. In the interest of time, I've picked out the best ones to share.


Sidenote 1: this will really only be funny if you've seen Lost in its entirety. Also if you know that A is generally a pretty manly dude, except in weird instances where he cries over dolphins, which is another story.
Sidenote 2: A swears a lot. I won't post the actual words, but if you're offended by placemarks for f bombs, read no further.

A: I'm watching the last episode of Lost!

Me: Gah!! I cried during that one. Let me know what you think!!

A: They are all getting back together?!??

Lmao they are finding the ones they love.

Wow I don't like this, I've never cried so much for a f---ing show!

Me: Haha, go eat some chocolate or something!

A: How can you not cry after you’ve seen the whole show??? 

    Night night babe. I wanna hug, these emotions are killing me

    It’s like the world is falling into place!

   It's so f---ing good! My face hurts!

    Hugo gets to take over!?!!

   This show was so well written. It ends with him closing his eye! It started with him opening them!

   Jack gets eaten by the yellow light :/

"My face hurts" - probably one of the best responses to Lost ever.

[end transmission]

baby shower, and a weekend with A

One of my oldest friends, sister to the girl I'm moving in with, is having her first baby in September! It's so odd to think that we're at the age where people are getting married and having babies. We had her baby shower on Saturday afternoon, and although it was the first that we've ever planned, I think it went pretty well.


Then in the evening I drove down to Maryland to see A. One of the best things about him is that no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other, we always fall right back into our routines. We spent the evening sharing our new music with each other (he hates Andy Grammer, which goes straight to my heart, but we found some Kid Cudi that we both agree on) and catching up with his parents. He made his amazing breakfast on Sunday morning - eggs with cheese, Morning Star veggie sausages, OJ, and english muffins with Nutella - and then we went to the driving range.

He was off his game and I had a hard time getting balls past the 75 marker, but neither of us minded. We both agreed that when we're older we'll live by a driving range and go often enough to be decent, at the very least.  The rest of the day consisted of lunch, the pool, the Tour de France, ping pong and darts (which I lost at admirably), Chipotle for dinner, and Happy Gilmore afterwards.

This past week was stressful to say the least, between planning the baby shower and finding out that my car needs over $200 dollars of work to pass inspection, and apartment issues. Adult stuff, that is. It sounds silly but one of my favorite things about A is that he babies me like no other. He knows when I'm stressed and does little things to make it go away.

Sometimes I wish I had an iPhone to whip out and take pictures of every little thing that makes me smile. I would need the world's largest memory card for this past weekend.

it's only baseball (small courage)

Friday night, my entire office and their families went to a Reading Phillies game. One of the really nice things about my job is that management hosts a lot of social events throughout the year to keep good relationships going, something that I doubt larger companies emphasize. It was a really fun night. I got to hang out with some great co-workers, play with their kids, and relax. But ...

I'm not a baseball person at all. A long ago ex from the worst relationship of my life loved baseball, was obsessed with it, and the hours of baseball I sat through with him made me like it even less.

A has started watching it recently, and even though I know it's not the same at all, that he asks me to watch with him because he genuinely enjoys it and wants to spend time with me, I still get those old gut reactions.

That I'm being punished for something, like a little kid.
That I will have to sit there for hours in silence because I don't have the backbone to stand up for myself and leave.
That I'm still young and foolish and broken.

I always have to talk myself through it, to realize that this is not the same, it's not a punishment from a cruel person, that A is not him, that baseball is that - just baseball. It's been three years since I got out, and yet the past still has the capacity to scare me to the extent of immobility. A has been amazing at helping get me rid of the ghosts from three years ago, and I'm immensely thankful for that.

I think it's funny how those little triggers can bring out the worst times of your life. Chipping away at them is one of the hardest things to do. It would be far easier to hide and ignore a situation when that trigger feeling starts crawling up your spine. Making yourself face them, that's another thing altogether.

Sometimes the small courages mean the most.

do not Google: what makes you beautiful



note: I did not make this. But I really wish I had. via some other crazy stalker girl somewhere.



I just had to stop my burst of morning productivity to tell you guys this. Seriously, it’s that funny.

I was Googling “what makes an effective advertisement,” [being all businesslike and whatnot] but all I had typed out was “what makes.” And Google did that thing where it tries to guess what you’re thinking, which I always find completely hilarious. Today was no exception.



This was the text that A got 30 seconds later: Googling “what makes an effective ad” … Google tried to guess what I was searching … “what makes you beautiful lyrics” … HOW DID THEY KNOW

And this was the text I got back: Haha they know your search habits!



Which is of course ridiculous because why would I google that, I already know all the lyrics duh.

Justsaying. I love my boys.

All of them.



Luray Caverns, VA. I love this so much. Look how excited he is!





a little more personal

LBI, summer 2012



I don’t tend to post about personal things, but this is something that’s been on my mind frequently for the past week or so.

See, there is this little problem I have sometimes.

This little temper of mine. And it comes out more than I want it to, and mostly at the worst times.

Yesterday A and I were talking about the trouble I’ve been having at home lately. I really, really, really didn’t want to leave him and his wonderful parents and his house that is starting to feel very home-like to me, and naturally I did the logical thing … and started crying. Not the full blown ugly cry, but, you know, chin wobbling and eyes welling and your voice gets so tiny you can’t recognize it anymore crying. And in that tiny voice I said, “please don’t make me go home.”

Here’s where the temper part comes in. I knew the second I said it that it was unrealistic. Of course I had to go home. But I wanted him to tell me that no, I didn’t have to, that I could stay and he would make everything bad go away. Because in a perfect world that’s what would happen. Logically, I knew that. And he knew it too, but there wasn’t anything he could do. And I forgot that.

And I got mad. The whole way home I cried; frustrated, angry tears because I couldn’t change what was going on at home, and I couldn’t help that I had to go there, and because even though it was unrealistic, I wanted A to fix it. He was patient, he was incredibly kind and sweet … and I was mean. He would ask if I wanted to call him, if I wanted to stay and leave early in the morning for work, if there was anything he could do … and I would say “It’s fine.” “It’s okay.” I shut him out.

And now, today, I feel stupid.

I feel stupid for letting my emotions get the best of me.

I feel stupid for taking them out on the person who was trying to help me;

The person I care about more than most anyone else on the planet.

I feel stupid for having unrealistic expectations of him.

It’s hard to sum all that up in an “I’m sorry.”

nothing but awesomeness

via

The capstone paper of my nightmares has been turned in, which gives me a heck of a lot more free time than I knew previously existed in this universe. 
Which isn't to say that I'm done with work entirely, but the load is lightened, people.


So, naturally, I went shopping today. And bought nothing but underwear. What is with that? 
There's something about wearing cute underwear that makes the day a little bit better.


Too much, probably ... Sorry. You know what I mean though.


A and I are trying to plan our trip to Virginia this summer, which is not going well. At all. I mean, the trip is going to be amazing. Neither one of us are planners though, so our conversations go a little like this:


Me: So, what kind of place do you want to stay at?
A: Where do you want to stay?
Me: No, I asked where you want to stay?
A: Well, I don't care. 
Me: What about this one?
A: Whatever you want, babe.


Boys. 


He is absolutely adorable though. He's started doing this thing where he'll sneak up behind me, grab me gently around the waist, and tell me, "I absolutely adore you."


Planning kinks or no, I think I'll keep him around for a while. 

avacados

Sometimes on the weekends, A and I like to cook dinner, because the food here is pretty terrible. We both try to take care of ourselves and eat healthy stuff, and all the fried things our school makes on the weekends often leaves us feeling pretty sick.


Today, after a unnecessarily long trip to Wegman's and an intense argument discussion regarding sauces in the pasta aisle, we ended up making fettuccine alfredo, with an avacado on the side. 


Yes, it's weird.


Anyway, so we got to talking about how cool it would be to have an avocado tree someday, and the almighty Google revealed that it can be done! Save those seeds! So we saved ours, and plunked it in water immediately so it wouldn't dehydrate and die. 


Growing an avocado requires suspension from the lid of a cup or jar into water ... but of course I had no toothpicks on hand. We were in a panic. 


So what does A do? He went to Wegman's, bought toothpicks, ran across campus in his sweats at eleven o'clock at night to set up a proper avocado operation, and then ran back to his dorm. 


Reason 1 X billion why I love that kid. 

some things I've learned in the past 24 hours

- Wawa Mac n' Cheese isn't ever nearly as good idea as it seems


- It rarely tastes good re-heated


- If you ask a drunk old man to take a picture of you and your friends at an inaugural ceremony, it will look a little something like this:

(poor guy couldn't find "the viewfinder" ... and now there's beer smell all over my camera from him pressing his face against the screen, trying to see )


- I cannot stay out until 2 am anymore. When did I get so old?


- Even for a guy who hates dancing, a live jazz band and myspace shots are sure to make him smile 

- 90's candy is still the best candy

(please note the long lollypops, rock candy in the background, and button dot candy on paper rolls)


- Drunk professors make the best dance partners.






The End. 

we got all dressed up ...

... for our research presentations yesterday.

Afterwards, we got to shake hands with the president of Ursinus,  Bobby Fong (affectionately known as "BoFo"), who showed up randomly to the presentations (and gave all of us heart palpatations because he actually came to ours), and had lunch with him and some of the others in our research groups.

I got to shake the president's hand .... me. I may never wash it again. Except not, because that's kind of gross.

I was super proud of me and my handsome dude for all the hard work and late nights put into these projects. And doesn't he look good in a tie?

Such a cheese.