Today, I am a Big

Today is Big / Little Reveal!

This is especially exciting because it's my first one on the other side of things, and I can't wait to see ow my little reacts. I want to be the best big ever for her. My big is onr of the coolest people I know, and one of my favorite things about Sigma. Hopefully I can be those things to my little too.

" When I Start Feeling Sad ...

... I stop being sad, and start being awesome instead"

-- Barney Stinson



Back In The Game

Dear Life,

I'm sorry I've been a bad contact lately. You know the kind. Absent-minded, hard to get ahold of, not terribly invested. Certainly you've been trying to get me back for a few days now, but I just haven't been here. Not mentally, anyway. I barely even noticed your seasons changing, or the way the air has started to smell of fall, especially in the early morning. I was so caught up in various occupations and dramas and crises of the personal variety that I forgot to give you a chance. When you let little things pile up into big things, it's easy to do, you know.

You are a beautiful thing though. Sometimes I forget this. I know I shouldn't. In being frustrated and angry with everything instead of waking each morning to new chances and a new day, I've been doing you a great disservice. I need to remember to never be too stressed to smile. Please forgive me.

Love,
Me

Ps. Also, thank you for bringing all of my coworkers back safely from their conference in LA, and bringing them banging on my door shouting Chris Farley quotes and singing Metallica songs. Friday afternoons at the office are a crazy time. I've missed them, and clearly they've missed me as well.

fill in the blank

So today after politics, a guy in my class came up to me and started talking. We'd never really talked before, but had a conversation about his brother's wedding this upcoming weekend and my trip to the Poconos, and he seemed really nice and genuine. And then the conversation ended rather abruptly with him asking if I drink (no), and if he could have my number.

I was up until 3:30 last night, and then up at 8 this morning. I had not showered, was wearing no makeup, and my hair was doing that stupid frizz thing it does sometime, just because.

I don't understand the male species. (Yes, species. Because girls, let's face it. They aren't just another gender. They're a different creature entirely.)

Needless to say, I laughed at him. He looked offended and I couldn't help laughing even more.

But, moving on. Fill in the blank time!

1. my current obsession is "Someone Like You" by Adele, any kind of tea, and the Killers. Also sewing? And my sisters, who make me so incredibly happy.
2. Seeing other people happy makes me really happy.
3. my greatest strengths are having a heart for others, being strong-willed, not giving up easily, pushing and expecting great things out of myself.
4. The people I love are my greatest weakness.
5. my life is busy to the extreme, sparkling, never boring, filled with laughter and tears and people who mean the world to me.
6. in high school I was quiet. I had a good group of close friends. I was afraid to stand up for myself and didn't like disappointing people, so I hardly ever did what was good for myself.
7. when I'm super tired one of two things happens. Either I get sleepy drunk and laugh at everything (and possibly sing), or I fall asleep, no matter where I am. Last weekend I fell asleep on a picnic bench in the middle of a public park. Awesome, right?  

Happy Friday to all of you beautiful people!

keep it secret, keep it safe

there is strength in vulnerability and in exposing your scars to the world.

there is strength in telling the truth, finally, after years of keeping it locked away, keeping it safe.

there is strength in admitting defeat, admitting that you were wrong. admitting that you need help.

there is strength in showing others your breaking point.

i am not perfect. i have many breaking points, many secrets, many scars. (don't we all?)

not a single person knows all of them. or even most.

there was one, but he changed his mind, leaving me afraid to trust anyone with my heart again.

i think it's safer that way.

but it can get tiring, being everything to everyone, and being the keeper of your own heart, never letting anyone else in.

sometimes its okay for someone else to take control for a little while.

i want to let someone else be my keeper for a while. i am tired, so very tired.

but i am afraid that all of me is not good enough to show anyone else.

Slow Loris

It's midterms week at my place of higher education, which means that my brain looks a little like this:

<(O.o)>

... For real, how cute is he? to me, he looks a little like a Slow Loris, and if you don't know what that is, GOOGLE IT. Google it right now.

Everybody together now! D'aww ...

(*abrupt transition*)

Between working and seven classes and sorority stuff I'm very nearly exhausted ... and yes, I know I do this to myself. My parents, for better or worse, always had very high expectations of me growing up, and I've carried that over into my (semi)adult life by always taking on too much and expecting a lot out of myself. I haven't failed at anything I've tried to do yet, and I love a challenge, so it's not always a bad thing. I've always struggled with finding balances in my life, especially during a week like this, but I'm so grateful for all the opportunities I've recieved lately.

Like I've made a new friend in the past month (okay, a lot of them), but this one in particular stands out. He is kind and thoughtful and sarcastic and very, very funny.

My little has not figured out any of the clues I've left her so far! I can't wait until Big-Little reveal on the 22nd! She's so sweet and I love her so much ... and she doesn't even know it.

My fall break is this weekend, and I get to catch up with a bunch of old friends from home, who somehow have put up with me for years upon years and still want to be around. I would have never gotten through those awful, angsty teenage years without them (somehow they seem so long ago!).

And last but definitely not least, this guy:

except just kidding, because apparently I don't have the picture saved on my work computer.

... come on, brain.

that's all I've got, kids. So I'm gonna leave you with this wise, wise advice:

"There's always money in the banana stand"

Old Man River

This is my father.

This is my father fishing.

And these are other pictures from our fantastic day in the Poconos on Saturday, which involved a lot of granola bars and discussing where we want to go in life, and me writing a little bit and then falling and denting his brand new several hundred dollar lense, which made me want to cry. He wasn't angry though, and that made me want to cry even more.

My father is one of my favorite people in the world.

Devil's Hole Creek,

Mt. Pocono, PA

My father is having a "what would Gavin do?" moment, which is of course what happens when he has exhausted the opportunities of a particular pool but remains doggedly optimistic that more can be dredged from its depths. 'Of course there's a fish,' he says. But in the absence of his loyal sidekick, he's left with me, and the company of his own imagination, neither of which are very helpful at the moment. The fly he has chosen to replace the first does no better than its predecessor, and he stalks off toward the next pool, muttering under his breath the darkest of curses towards the wild fish, which he is now determined have played him for a fool, and are laughing at his from their safe holes beneath the turbid waters. I'm laughing too, but only once I'm sure he can no longer see. Surely Gavin will get an earful for abandoning him on this venture, leaving him with a daughter who writes instead of fishes, and laughs instead of offering insight into the twisted minds of the local fish. He's moved three pools up by this time, but I can still hear his angry mutterings just below the din or the rushing water.

'Of course there's a fish.'

 

angry thoughts on a thursday

i was having a really good day today. really! an extraordinarily good day, the kind where little things come at you, and you just brush them off and go on your way, because what do they matter, really?


and then i got to work.


work is an hour away from my school. i work 2 1/2 hours three days a week. which means that i am driving almost as much as i'm working, because i like my job, and i want to be here, and yes, i take it seriously.


(obviously. i'm blogging.)


but i do, seriously.


and i'm upset at the moment, because it seems like the effort on my part is going pretty much unnoticed.


example numero uno:
i get to work, and after telling me the game plan for the day, my boss tells me that they've hired someone new, and that the new person is getting my office. so i'm moving to a new one. okay, that's fine. except i love my office. LOVE it. it's big and full of sunshine and my plant doesn't die in here because of the big window. and the new office i'm moving into? small. dark. wondow facing the wall - who does that? also the setup is totally wrong, and call me paranoid, but i do not like sitting with my back to the door (this may be a byproduct of living with my brother for 18 years).


example numero dos:
while checking out my new digs with the boss, the guy who requested i move so the new person could have my office happens to stop by. i make a joke in his direction about the crummy set-up of this new room, and his retort is something along the lines of "well, you won't be here all that long anyway."
.... okay.
then as the conversation progresses to the new buildings the company is thinking of acquiring, i ask where they happen to be. the above mentioned person looks in my direction and quips, "what do you care? you're just an intern."
.... okay.


at that point i had to leave. overreaction? maybe. but i've worked really hard to make myself an asset here, and not just an intern, and not just a dumb girl who doesn't understand things. because that seems to be the stigma in an office full of very intelligent men. would it be wise to have a talk with this guy? or just pretend i don't care?

Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love,

it's a waste of your time. There are too many

mediocre things in life.

Love shouldn't be one of them.