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| Monticello, Virginia |
I've been doing some wandering down in Virginia with A. Green hills and dark caves and old houses have been calling us. I'm trying to get this wanderlust out before I get stuck in the real world, a place that more and more I'm afraid I will be stuck in forever.
My best friend of seven years and I are apartment hunting. Now that I've graduated and she's starting online classes, it seems the world is telling us that it's time to move out and move up in life. Except, as we're finding, the two don't necessarily equate. Moving out, it's looking like, is going to mean some serious downgrading. We weren't not expecting that, honestly. There was no fantasy about the "perfect" place, that was cheap but charming, like in Friends or How I Met Your Mother, but to sit down and actually write out all the numbers and see how much we'll be spending - on top of student loans and other payments - is overwhelming. What kind of heat? Is water and sewer included? What kind of vacuum should we buy? What about furniture? Is Craigslist safe to buy things off of?
So, like any mature adults would do, we closed our laptops, got out the Ben and Jerry's, and watched The Proposal instead.
So A and I are dog sitting.
Although "dog sitting" might be the incorrect term. "Horse sitting," maybe, or "animal that look remotely like a dog but is the size of a baby hippo sitting;" both sound much more appropriate. This Great Dane is giant.
He's 130 pounds of black and white spotted pure love: the kind that follows you from kitchen to dining room to bathroom and back, and stand forlornly at the bottom of the stairs where the baby gate prevents him from following until you come back. The kind that runs frantically around the perimeter of the pool until you swim to the edge, and then licks your face to make sure you're doing okay.
Of course, he's less than a year old, so he's also the kind of dog who can't be left alone for more than ten minutes without getting in trouble. The kind who requires constant attention, pretends he doesn't know what "down" and "no" mean. The kind that cries when left in his crate by himself for too long. The kind that is constantly tripping over his own big feet, always licking faces, always eager to please, the kind that I love.
I can't get enough of him and his sad puppy eyes.
It's a little frustrating at times, but A and I like a challenge. And the way I look at it, it's something of a trial run, for a puppy of our own someday.
1. I have a really fantastic office that I'm in the process of decorating, now that I'll be here full-time.
2. Swivel chairs. Enough said.
3. The awesome office has an awesome door that closes. Which means that when I don't have time to do my makeup in the morning, or only paint one hand's worth of nails, I can duck in quickly before anyone sees me, and take care of business. [side note: this happens way too frequently]
4. A long to-do list that is actually going to take years to accomplish. Hey yeah, job security!
5. Really intelligent people to work with and creative freedom.
6. Freedom to get my work done in the way I think I need to, and a boss that thinks I'm brilliant [duh] and who brings me muffins on my birthday, and sends graduation cards.
7. Pinterest [what!]
I've been feeling a lot of nothing and a lot of everything all at the same time.
I feel lost and excited and stuck and free and terrified and anxious and estatic all at once.
I feel like there's a giant void in me, waiting to be filled with new things and experiences and I'm almost frantic because the need to fill that void is greater than the ideas of how to do it.
I will find them, I know I will, and they will come without cue or forcing. What I need is patience but that's something that's always eluded me.
There's going to be an awful lot of adventures in the next two months before I start work full-time, and I like the anticipation of that.
Check out that look of intense concentration ...
It's weird to say that this is the last time that I'll be studying or doing homework. That I'm done as soon as this last assignment is turned in. It seems like life is comprised mostly of lasts right now, and frankly, it's kind of exhausting.
One thing that's not exhausting? Stereomood.com. I kid you not, it is a lifesaver. Lifesaviour, even. I'm one of those weird people who can't listen to music with words when I study (easily confused, maybe?), so sites like Spotify or Pandora don't cut it for me when I'm getting work done. Stereomood, on the other hand. Now that's a website that does it. Their home page has a whole list of "mood words," like happy, sad, chill, sleepy, etc. I picked "instrumental," even though I'm not sure that's technically a "mood word." It hasn't been disappointing for over an hour now, so it deserves a good review. So go, check it out! Instrumental Mood Music from StereoMood.com
On another note, sorry for the lack of real pictures lately. Yes, I am one of those people who don't consider webcam pictures "real." But my new laptop has a webcam, and frankly, I'm far too lazy with all the work going on right now to dig out my Nikon when I could just push a button instead.
It's probably a cardinal sin, I'm sure.
I definitely did not bet on feeling this sad about leaving school.
I definitely did not tear up on the man who handed me my cap and gown this morning.
I definitely did not have a slight panic attack when I paged through the book that accompanied them.
I definitely did not stay up until 4:30 doing work last night, and then engage in some on-campus fountain sliding that is part of the senior rite of passage a mere 50 yards from a campus safety officer, who would have written us up had he seen.
I definitely did not realize how much I love the people here until I started contemplating leaving them.
I definitely did not do all the work I should have been doing all semester am might be paying for it now.
I definitely did not use my feminine wiles to get the bartender to re-open the kitchen to make us cheese fries at the pub last night, saying goodbye to some of A's friends.
And lastly,
I definitely did not expect this semester to go so fast. T minus 3 days until graduation.
I have a strange tendency to hang onto things. Material things, especially, in regards to today. I find myself wanting to hold onto pieces of my life even if I know full well that I will never have need for them again. I tried to hang onto a biology textbook this afternoon until I caught myself. I hated Bio, and yet I wanted to keep the book on the off chance that I might need it again. You know, in case that burning desire to read up on cell generation struck again (this is a joke, people).
Still, it gave me pause. Why do I have the urge to hold onto these things? Why the desire for physical affirmation of the past? It's nonsensical and I know it, but I still have to talk myself through it. I don't need things to validate me, or to remind me of the past ... that's what memories are for.
I'll be moving home in a little less than a week, and into my own apartment in a few short months. There won't be any room for left-over biology texts that I might need "someday," or any number of similar things. I'll be starting over, getting new memories, new things. A new life, in a lot of ways.
I'm looking forward to it. A new adventure is exactly what I've been needing lately.
But first: packing, and simplifying.
My question is, when does it stop being a "problem" and start being a problem?
Shoes, that is. When did I get so many? And what was I planning on doing with so many pairs of heels?
I'm taking comfort in the idea that if I ever became truly poor, I could make a decent amount of money by auctioning off my shoe collection (please God, don't let it come to that!)
Also while I'm here, check out the masterpiece A and I drew while studying this afternoon:
That would be Yoshi. And a tree. And a bird?
Finals minds are strange minds.
Peace out, cub scouts.
The capstone paper of my nightmares has been turned in, which gives me a heck of a lot more free time than I knew previously existed in this universe.
Which isn't to say that I'm done with work entirely, but the load is lightened, people.
So, naturally, I went shopping today. And bought nothing but underwear. What is with that?
There's something about wearing cute underwear that makes the day a little bit better.
Too much, probably ... Sorry. You know what I mean though.
A and I are trying to plan our trip to Virginia this summer, which is not going well. At all. I mean, the trip is going to be amazing. Neither one of us are planners though, so our conversations go a little like this:
Me: So, what kind of place do you want to stay at?
A: Where do you want to stay?
Me: No, I asked where you want to stay?
A: Well, I don't care.
Me: What about this one?
A: Whatever you want, babe.
Boys.
He is absolutely adorable though. He's started doing this thing where he'll sneak up behind me, grab me gently around the waist, and tell me, "I absolutely adore you."
Planning kinks or no, I think I'll keep him around for a while.
