The world lost a really great guy today.

An older man, a man at my church,

who's been there for decades,

who was my father's second father,

who could recite most passages from the Bible by memory,

who smiled all the time,

and was kind to every person.

I know exactly where he is now,

and I'm thankful for that.

If anyone exemplified what it is

to live a life for Christ,

it was Tom.

He always had something sweet to say to me,

even when he couldn't remember my name

or much else.

His funeral is on Friday, and it's going to be

really,

really

hard.

so here's the thing ...

about my relationship with A.

the guy is ruthless.

in private, he's very sweet, very nice,

basically everything I could ever want in a man.

but when we're in public?

he will absolutely tear me apart if I'm not careful.

the sarcasm is relentless.

and if I'm not careful and let myself open

by saying dumb blonde types of things?

it's a million times worse.

now, before you all go freaking out and

"why do you put up with that kind of abuse?"

it's because I do the same thing to him.

if he can dish it out, he'd better be able to take it.

and believe me, he can hold his own in both arenas.

it's at least partially why I like him so much.

I need someone keeping me on my toes.

last night though, his parents came to visit

and we all went out to dinner

(Qdoba, if you know the place, is amazing. they give you burritos the size of fetuses)

and A was a little off his game.

his parents have exactly the same brand of humor,

and A was slacking,

and, needless to say, by the end,

he had moved all of his things and was sitting

alllll they way at the end of the table

by himself

like Steven Glansburg,

because he couldn't take the pressure.

my poor baby.

it was glorious.

why no, I don't do homework anymore

I wish I could take credit for this.

I really do.

It is me, to a T. 

Minus the beer.

And the manly scruff.

But whatever.

My 11:11 wish is that it would just be Friday afternoon already,

because goodness knows my brain has been there for

about five days already.

One of Those Days

You know those days

when you wake up and nothing is right

and it's rainy outside

and inside it might as well be,

because there's a giant cloud over your head that's

basically tangible?

That's today.

I've been mean to everyone at least once

and if I haven't out loud, it's been in my head.

It's always easier to be nice to the people

you don't know,

but today I can't even manage that.

Monday, hormones, rain -

World's deadliest combination.



Thoughts on Jello

When I was little, I used to love Jello.

LOVE IT.

Only the red stuff though.

Something about that Red-40 chemical composition working its way through your body, I guess.

Anyway, I used to do this thing where I would swish the Jello back and forth

between my teeth until it was a liquid,

then chase my brother around the house

making a God-awful noise as loudly as I could.

My mom hated it,

my brother hated me,

and I enjoyed every single second.

I was a monstrous child.

Anyway, the point is,

at the store last night I realized that they still make Jello (shocking!)

and that there are a whole plethora of flavors now (even more shocking!).

So of course I bought some,

and made it with blueberries.

It is just as good as ever.

And as far as I'm concerned, it's totally healthy.

There's fruit in it, duh.

Good to be Home

The first week back is always hectic.

With 50 sisters and friends and catching up to do,

not to mention actual classes

(gasp)

things have been quite busy.

If all weeks were as this one

it would be a wonderful semester indeed.

Sadly,

work and course work in earnest both begin

next Monday.

Good things never last. 

But a good weekend is something worth looking forward to.

Friday Inspiration

“Our lives are mere flashes of light in an infinitely empty universe.

In 12 years of education the most important lesson I have learned is that what we see as “normal” living is truly a travesty of our potential.

In a society so governed by superficiality, appearances, and petty economics, dreams are more real than anything, anything in the “real world”.

Refuse normalcy.

Beauty is everywhere, love is endless, and joy bleeds from our everyday existence.

Embrace it.

I love all of you, all my friends, family, and community. I am ceaselessly grateful from the bottom of my heart for everyone. The only thing I can ask of you is to stay free of materialism.

Remember that every day contains a universe of potential; exhaust it. Live and love so immensely that when death comes there is nothing left for him to take. Wealth is love, music, sports, learning, family and freedom.

Above all, stay gold.”

― Dominic Owen Mallary

*photo by me in Edinburgh, Scotland May 2011



lately



 oh, the crazy things I've been putting in my body lately



I've always had this crazy dream of trying a New York City hot dog.

You know, the kind from the really sketchy street vendors

that could be made up of God-knows-what

but they still have this smell to them that just screams

"eat me!"

I've always wanted to try one.

Well, I didn't try one on this trip.

I wanted to. Terribly badly.

But I stuck to my guns.

Instead, I've been eating a lot of grapes and crackers

and A and I made some fantastic avocado sandwiches

while I was with his family for a few days.

Go me.

Hopefully I can cover my six day New York to Maryland trip

in detail later,

but for now let's say that it was

legen -wait for it - dary

and that I am so very grateful for the people in my life.

My girls from Scotland and my favorite guy

are right up there on that list.

Oh, and I went to the gynecologist for the first time ever yesterday,

after successfully avoiding it for years.

Not so bad.

But having a conversation about your life plans

while some little old man is poking around in your lady parts?

Not my idea of a good morning.

(He did think my side tattoo was pretty sweet though).

And to those of you who started following while I was away - thank you!!

I never expected anyone to follow this blog.

It's nothing more than a collection of my thoughts,

which I wouldn't expect to be interesting to anyone.

But to come back and see that you guys are interested,

amused,

entertained,

whatever,

It was the nicest of surprises :) 

So if there's something you enjoy or want to see more of -

please, let me know!

squats

I have come up with a new way of staying awake at work.

For anyone interested.

Whenever I get bored or restless,

which is often,

I make myself do squats.

(For extra fun and shaping action, try it in heels).

Motivation guaranteed.

Trust me,

it's hard to sit around and do nothing

when your bum feels like it's on fire.

This is additionally necessary because,
since I've become a born again (again) vege,
and meat is off the menu,
I've been substituting with cookies.
There has to be a better way.

whatafail

Good news, you guys.

After two days of being a vegetarian,

I fell off the bandwagon.

TWO.

I'm not even a good bandwagoner, as it turns out.

I was doing really well until last night,

when I got home and made myself a snack because I was going to my grandmother's house for dinner,

and she was making a roast.

Not veggie food.

So I made myself a nice little wrap with cheese and tomatoes 

and was pretty happy until I went to put the extras back in the fridge and saw ...

RIBS.

And that was the end of that. 

About five minutes after I finished 

shoveling them in my mouth eating,

I got that sinking, remorseful feeling in my stomach.

Oops. 

Then I proceeded to have an really intense intellectual debate about

doing things you know you shouldn't

and giving into temptation

and thought about Romans 7 for a while.

I'll spare you the gory details, but it was deep.

Yeah, so I'm going veg (again).

Starting over today.

[I won't tell if you won't.] 

Green Rooms

Cold.

So darn cold.

Is anyone else bitter about this?

I heard even Florida is having some wonky 30 degree weather.

Maybe the world is ending?

And my mommy dearest refuses to turn the heat up above 55,

so our house is like an icebox.

I feel like a penguin, only much less cute.

So in an attempt to stave off the bitterness,

a collection of what I want my own house to look like

someday.

When I have control of the thermostat.

Yeah dude. Let's do this!

 

I feel better already. Happy Tuesday!

some not-resolutions

Well, yesterday's post was exhausting to write. So today, something more fun:

Resolutions.

Not.

Resolutions are my least favorite thing, because I can never keep them.

Something about the word and being forced to do things,

and let's face it, I'm not good with those kinds of ultimatums.

Instead, some 'ideas' for the new year:

Become a vegetarian

I hate this one. I am a huge carnivore.

Hot wings? Chicken fingers? Bacon? Shrimp? Barbeque of any kind?

Yes please.

However, in the interest of my health and trying not to put tons of crap into my body,

I'm going to give it a shot.
Starting today.

This is all A's fault, so if it goes badly,

I'll be blaming him and heading to the nearest Friendly's

for one of those honey barbeque supermelts.

With bacon.

Love people better

Also read as

"not be so selfish all the time."

There are a lot of wonderful people whose lives I am blessed to be part of,

and it's time I started acting that way.

This is also going to be hard.
I am not perfect, and sometimes I lose my temper more than I should
or ignore people when I want to be alone.
Not cool.

Not stress about life after school

Everything's going to be fine.

Simple as that.

Be thankful for my job
There are days that I sincerely hate my job.
Haaaaaate it.
But you know what? It's a good job.
I'm lucky to work with the people here (for the most part),
and the money is very good,
and they work around my schedule.
I get to learn and make an actual impact,
and thank God, I don't have to work
at McDonald's.

Dress better

This isn't as shallow as it seems.

Honest.

One of the mottos I've always tried to follow is

"Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have."

It's all about being professional when necessary

and being in charge of the way people percieve you.

Which will get you far in life.

That's the theory, anyway.

If nothing else, it's a darn good excuse to go shopping.

Like I need more of those.

Share your not-resolutions with me?

2011

So, I've started and re-started this post about a hundred times,
give or take ninety,
because I haven't been sure I wanted to write it.
Introspection is a great friend of mine,
and a lot of times I don't share things because I'd rather think them out on my own first.
But today,
since it is a new year and all,
I think I'll work on one of my resolutions that has been a resolution as long as I can remember,
which is to be more open.
So forgive a little momentary self-indulgence.

January
In January I went through some serious panic attacks, the first of my life, really,
because I was moving to Edinburgh, Scotland for six months,
which seemed like an eternity then.
I was terrified of things changing back home (which they did, funnily enough)
but I left anyway.
Because I wanted to be brave and stronger than fear.
I discovered the joys of a new city and the pains of homesickness,
and debated jumping on a plane back home,
and am forever glad that I didn't.
I moved into my new flat and went on a rant about Scottish things I didn't understand and hated how early it got dark, and found the birthplace of Harry Potter.

February
In February I spent a weekend in London with three new friends and saw a sister from back home,
and went on my homestay to the English village of Kirkoswald,
where there were sheep and strange names for arugala, and mornings filled with rain and tea and late nights with laughter.
I discovered Scotland's best cupcakes with new friends and stayed up way too late and Skyped with people back home and tried to remember what they looked like not on a computer screen.
We went to Glasgow and celebrated Pancake Day, which is a national holiday (twice by accident),
and went to Loch Ness and celebrated my 21st quietly, with cupcakes and live music.

March
In March I went to my first Highland Ceilidh and my first Headphone party, and didn't sleep very much.
There were papers to be written but we also discovered the joys of the Scottish Uni system, which required only a 40% to pass, and took full advantage of it, since grades didn't transfer.
My study abroad program took us to the Argyll Forest,
where we stayed in a grand old stone estate house,
and went mountain biking and hiking and enjoyed (or, not) my first viewing of Braveheart.
Back in the city I made fast friends and began enjoying pub food,
and my darling Juliefriend came to visit!
The sun started to make an appearance after months of darkness, and I climbed the highest peak in Edinburgh (and paid for it the next day).

April
In April I packed up and left Scotland for spring holiday and visited Paris, Venice, La Spezia, and the Cinque Terre with my sister in London and two good friends from Uni. 
I (sort of) conquered my fear of heights and went to the top of the Eiffel Tower and ate far too many crepes and saw the Mona Lisa and realized the jeopardy of being in a foreign country without knowing the language.
Venice was the highlight of our trip.
We went days eating nothing but gelato and croissants and spaghetti and got held hostage in a restaurant and almost attacked in a back alley, 
and spent sunny afternoons on vaporettos and waving to gondoliers.
Exploring the Cinque Terre by train and foot and submerging ourselves in the sunny (but frigid) Mediterranean resulted in my worst sunburn yet,
and we rode the night train back to London. 
Our program took us to the Isle of Skye and back to Loch Ness and finally stopped wearing heavy coats. 
April was my best Scotland month; I remembered what it meant to be alive and discovering new places and travelling until exhaustion drives you home.

May
In May,
well, May was a weird month.
We found an American foods store that charged 8$ for a box of Lucky Charms,
and studied for days in the library about the Celts and Romans and the Antonine Wall,
I panicked every day about going home, and spent hours talking over tea with my new best friends.
We went out dancing a lot and enjoyed the sun, and I found my family's ancient castle of Dalhousie and was treated like royalty, and knocked off items on my bucket list.
The things that I had been afraid would change, did change,
and I had my first real head-long into a brick wall,
lay in bed crying for days,
seemingly impossible to recover from
run-in with heartbreak.
I spent a lot of sunny days by myself in gardens and castles
and late nights Skyping back home, trying to fix my heart,
and said goodbye to some of the best friends I've ever had.

June
On June first I flew home and got lost in the Newark airport, and had the entire security force looking for me, and collapsed, crying,
on my dad when I finally found him.
I went back to work and got back together with old friends,
and tried to fix things that were broken only to find that sometimes,
they are better off left alone.
I also lost my kitty after 18 years, and cried a lot for him too,
but only when no one was looking.
June was not one of my better months.

July
In July I went to Assateague Island with three of my best friends in the world and spent days and nights on the beach,
feeling very small and infinite and young.
We woke up to horses outside our tents in the mornings and told secrets.
I spent my weekends in the sun and my hair sort of turned red on its own, 
and I lost my temper a lot and missed Scotland.

August
In August I accidentally broke a good friend's heart and realized that mine still wasn't fixed,
but stopped crying myself to sleep at night,
and decided to suck it up and move on.
It's still the hardest thing I've ever done.
I did a lot of hiking and spent hours in the sun and started blogging again and missed Scotland every single day, but decided to be happy anyway.
And then I went back to school and life changed,
again.

September
September is always a whacky month, but this year was by far the craziest yet.
I loved all of my classes and got to spend sunny days outdoors, discovering my passion and deciding that, after all, maybe all I want out of life is to be simple and happy.
My brother got his Eagle and I bought a guitar that I still can't play,
and I laughed a lot with my roommate,
and my sorority got 20 new members,
and I don't think I slept more than four hours a night for weeks but it didn't matter.

October
In October, I got a little sister in my sorority and roadtripped with my dad to new and exciting places,
and realized that life always moves on, and you have to move with it.
I thought that maybe seven classes and working might be too much to handle but I survived,
and along the way met someone who changed my life, but I wasn't ready to let in yet, and then I realized I needed to let him, and spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if I could be vulnerable to that much pain again.
Then I decided to say screw it, and let him in.

November
In November I had a series of personal crises relating to being a senior,
and started to think of a new life plan,
one that revolves around being happy instead of sensible,
and got my dad's approval, which is all that I needed,
and was very happy in the choice that I'd made to open myself up to another.
Sorority life quieted down and I had time to think about the blessings in my life,
which are so numerous and beyond words.

December
Decemeber was another month of intense introspection.
I let myself be challenged and opened up to new things,
and learned that, in some cases, the views you've held all your life
aren't always are right as you thought they were.
My boss dealt with my quarter life crisis, and finals nearly killed me, and I was simultaneously thrilled with and terrified of life after the g-word.
Then, finally, I figured out who my true friends are, and the people that matter most to me,
and decided to spend my time with them, rather than worrying about people who don't.
Then I went home and back to work and spent a lot of time with my brother and best friends and family, and the stupid cat, and figured out that getting older maybe isn't so bad after all.

I'm having a hard time thinking of a way 2012 can be any more lively than this past year, but since life has a way of continually astounding you, I'm quite sure I'll be proved wrong. There has never been a year that I simultaneously loved and hated more, but I'm grateful for it nonetheless. There is something to be said about growing pains and the person that they make you into.

neighbors

So it's been ages and ages guys, sorry! Real life's been crazier than usual, and I don't have time for a real post, but I thought I would share with you a snippet of my life today. One of our awesome neighbors stopped by to chat, and there were some real gems in the conversation. I swear, the people I go to school with would never believe my life back home.

neighbor - my daughter met that slanty-eyed guy from the TV show the other night at a bar. the one with all them kids?
me - you meet jon gosselin?
neighbor - yeah, him. turns out he lives right down the road there on 27 acres. so she talked to him for a while and she said he was real nice. and when she got home i asked her, "well, did you ask if we could hunt there?"


(sadly, she did not)


my dad - so your kids are all good?
neighbor - yeah, the youngest is out on a goose hunt with some of his buddies and my daughter's working

my dad - what about kyle?

neighbor - oh, he was out hunting yesterday. he's home, stuffing a bobcat.

(kyle is a taxidermist)

what a new year's day.