My Truth Today

Lying in the Dark

Something I've found lately as part of this whole "adulthood" deal is loneliness. 

In hindsight, that was probably an over-dramatic first sentence, but I refuse to change it. It's true. 

Even in a house with a roommate, two cats and a dog, sometimes it just hits me. 

It's not that I mind being alone. I don't. I've gotten good at it, enjoy it; I like the time to myself. I firmly believe that souls need that time to refresh, take inventory, and realign sometimes. Throw some candles and a bath in there and you've got a full-system relaxation detox. Sometimes that just doesn't cut it though, you know?

Maybe it's nothing more than the summation of a really weird week but I've been really off the last day or so. Nothing is going as expected and I keep finding myself re-examining the relationships in my life, wondering what I'm doing wrong. If I've failed or they failed, or it was just a general letting-go that brought us here. As I get older, I find that the number of really good, true friends I have is diminishing, and sometimes they're hard to let go of. But sometimes, they're impossible to fix. "Quality over quantity" is the mantra I'm repeating over and over in my head. 

It's doubly lonely with A still at college. He's working so hard and now that I've picked up part-time work, seeing each other is getting limited. Sometimes, now that we go more than a week without seeing each other, I think back to this time last year when we saw each other pretty much every waking second, and I laugh a little. I miss my best friend. 

I try to overcompensate by being busy, by filling my time, but still, once I'm home and the lights are finally out, it's different. Maybe it's harder to lie to yourself in the dark. 

One, two, three, run.

Every once in a while, my friend Chels and I decide we need to go adventuring. Besides planning our own hippy - nudist commune, it is probably our second favorite thing to do. And besides, I firmly believe that every soul needs a little adventure once in a while. Ours just happens to center around abandoned places. 

I'm not really sure what it is about these kind of places that draws me, but I love the feeling of traipsing around somewhere neglected, seeing the beauty in something others might regard as a lost cause. 

There happens to be a really gorgeous old estate near my parent's house that we visited yesterday. A shooting happened there a few years ago and it's fallen into neglect since then. Oddly enough though, we weren't frightened there at all (except for the few times we heard gun shots. Hello, hunting season in Pennsylvania) ... just awed by its haunting beauty. Please enjoy the following (slightly excessive) photo dump :) 

My parents always get very concerned when they learn that we're going "adventuring." Thankfully, when I remind them that this is the most illegal and morally culpable thing I do, they come 'round pretty quickly. And besides, we're both very good runners.

#YOLO

Some Little Things of Import

This morning I had an appointment with the optometrist of my dreams, Dr. M. I've been in love with him since I was like, 8, and he gave me my first pair of glasses. I was blind and he made me see. Maybe not the right phrase? But he is a beautiful man. We talked about politics and sports and his cat and I think he knows I'm in love with him, but I'm not sure? Oh well. Thank the Lord I only go there once a year. #awkwardlove

Tonight, I'm making channa masala (for the first time) for one of my work friends and her son. It doesn't look too hard? I think? PRAYING that it works, otherwise I'm going to look a fool.




A has his first real big-man interview today for a job post-graduation! He's wearing a suit and everything! I'm so proud of him. Send good luck thoughts his way, if you get a sec? 

After that last post about anonymous commenters trying to hook me up with prescription happy pills, I've gotten approximately 58 emails from my secret druggie lover. Maybe it's time for a new letter? Dear Anonymous, you're creepin' me out. Time to move on. We are never, ever, ever getting back together! 

Crazy biotch cat Lily actually smiled last night ... while I was on Skype. Thankfully my Juliefriend was fast enough to get a picture of it:

I honestly can't tell if she's genuinely happy ... or dreaming about the best way to kill me in my sleep.

Lastly. Miss Living In Yellow herself is doing something really neat - her readers get to leave an comment exposing their weirdest secrets - anonymously! And so no-one knows who wrote what. Last time I checked there were over 450 secrets over there ... so go share yours! 

I Don't Need Your Concern, Anonymous

One of the things that was super exciting to me when I first started blogging was the concept of the anonymous commenter - someone sitting behind their computer screen spewing venomous comments all over the internet. I know some people get really offended by the things anonymous commenters say. Totally understandable. The more I see of anonymous, the more I realize what a miserable person they are. 

(For the record, I totally know that "anonymous" isn't just one person. But, IMHO, when you start acting like a complete arse just for the hell of it, you don't really deserve the gratification of individualization. So there.)

To be honest, I actually really enjoy reading anonymous comments. Not because they're hurtful but because some of the things they say just straight up make me laugh. 

I've kind of been wanting my own anonymous commenter for a while. 

Finally, last week, I started getting the comments! They come straight to my inbox, so I opened them with a not-so-little level of excitement. Andddd this is what I found:

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valium 5mg buy valium manila - can you buy valium over the counter in canada 

ambien order ambien side effects next day - generic ambien 20mg 

soma online buy soma no prescription online - buy somatropin cheap 

Somewhere along the line, I guess I gave off the impression that I require prescription meds to keep my yin and yang in balance? #Idonthaveaproblem

Oh, and there was one super-concerned comment about cheap viagra ... #alsoI'mnotaman

So. This is actually pretty depressing. I wanted some hateful comments! Ones like all the cool kids get! But, alas. Alack.Turns out anonymous has a soft side? A concerned for blogger's welfare side? 

I guess I'm not really sure where else to go with this ... so hey Anonymous, more venom next time? Less concern? I have a boyfriend that I pay for that, yo. 

Oh, and one last thing that you should already have done or be planning to do:

Just do it. 

Friday's Letters: A Letter to Me

[sometimes I like writing letters to myself and pretending someone else wrote them - someone who is older, and wiser, and knows what to say to make things okay. Someone who can look past all the mercurial thoughts and emotions and make sense of them and make them work for her, instead of against her. If I had someone like that, she would say something like this] 

Dear Emily:

I don't know the right words to say this, to start it off in some poetic fashion that will blow your mind, so I'll just say this: you're only 22. 

I don't know what you're rushing for, and you don't know either, so just stop. Stop panicking over nothing, stop needlessly filling your hours worrying. This all sounds so cliche but just do it. You're only 22, it's okay to not know exactly where your life is going. If there's anything God teaches us it's that He works in unexpected ways, so trust in that. Stop hacking your way through brambles with a hatchet, crying angry tears because you can't make things work the way you want. Maybe there's a reason for that. Maybe you need to accept that. 

It's good to want more. It's good to push, to try harder. You can always be better, but that's not a personal affront to you. It's not supposed to make you miserable. You can't be everything all the time. You can't be the girl in the other office who talks so eloquently, who dresses well every day, who's getting married next year. You aren't her, so stop wishing you are. Stop trying to be other people; you're too old for this game. 

You're too old for that, but too young to feel old. Take some yoga classes or something, shit. Try something different if what you're doing isn't working for you. But stop beating yourself up too. Of all the things not working - that's the biggest. I read a poem once, one that said that there is no expected pace for inner learning. That what we need to learn comes when we need it.

Just remember that. You're only 22. 

   

I would just like to clear this up

... I am *not* a lesbian.

Which isn't to say that there's anything wrong with being one, but I've just never leaned in that particular direction. And no one's ever questioned me about it, until some saucy little twelve year old climbed the steps of my porch last night, reached for some candy, saw some costume, and asked if I was a lesbian protesting. 

This is what I was wearing:

(Yes, that would be Chris slapping me)

A sign that said "Eat Mor Chikin." Guys, I was a Chik fil A cow for three reasons.

1. I'm poor
2. I'm lazy
3. It's outrageously easy to trace their sign

Plus, that whole uproar thing? So totally two months ago. 

Also, I'd just like to put out there that this twelve year old had a little side of sass himself.  Picture this: fat kid with glasses in a homemade Easy Mac costume (picture spray painted toilet paper rolls), peering at me over his frames, asking if I was a lesbian, because his parents were very offended.

I *almost* said "no, do you have a girlfriend?" But the odds were in his favor. I did, however, tell him to drop the candy if he was offended (He didn't).

I hate kids.

What I do not hate though? Fat babies in pumpkin costumes, best friends, and lots of food. Oh, and for the record, we had 276 kids come to our house last night (that's like 271 more than ever came to my parents' house!)

I hope everyone had an amazing Halloween :)