Something I've found lately as part of this whole "adulthood" deal is loneliness.
In hindsight, that was probably an over-dramatic first sentence, but I refuse to change it. It's true.
Even in a house with a roommate, two cats and a dog, sometimes it just hits me.
It's not that I mind being alone. I don't. I've gotten good at it, enjoy it; I like the time to myself. I firmly believe that souls need that time to refresh, take inventory, and realign sometimes. Throw some candles and a bath in there and you've got a full-system relaxation detox. Sometimes that just doesn't cut it though, you know?
Maybe it's nothing more than the summation of a really weird week but I've been really off the last day or so. Nothing is going as expected and I keep finding myself re-examining the relationships in my life, wondering what I'm doing wrong. If I've failed or they failed, or it was just a general letting-go that brought us here. As I get older, I find that the number of really good, true friends I have is diminishing, and sometimes they're hard to let go of. But sometimes, they're impossible to fix. "Quality over quantity" is the mantra I'm repeating over and over in my head.
It's doubly lonely with A still at college. He's working so hard and now that I've picked up part-time work, seeing each other is getting limited. Sometimes, now that we go more than a week without seeing each other, I think back to this time last year when we saw each other pretty much every waking second, and I laugh a little. I miss my best friend.
I try to overcompensate by being busy, by filling my time, but still, once I'm home and the lights are finally out, it's different. Maybe it's harder to lie to yourself in the dark.
2 comments:
Girl, I completely know what you mean in this post. It's really hard realizing that friendships you thought would be life long, just don't seem to work anymore. It's sad, for sure. But like you said, it makes you appreciate those friendships that you still have, however many or few, that seem to just work regardless of the changes.
And it also makes you appreciate bloggy friends :)
As we get older, life changes and so do people. I think when you're younger it's normal to have this huge group of friends and then suddenly you realize that group has slowly grown smaller and smaller. It sure makes you appreciate the friends that stick with you no matter what though right? It's a strange transition but I hope you find peace in the fact that you're not alone!
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