here's another one

via

I've been feeling introspective lately (again? ... I know). Every time a big change is coming up, my brain snaps into hyperdrive and I can't stop thinking. All day, all night - it's  a great, huge pain, really, when I ought to be considering things like final papers and do I want a white dress for graduation or a green one and what books I can sell back and how the heck I'm going to cram my great amount of worldly goods into my family's little tiny house.

But you know what I'm thinking about? I'm thinking that I'm nervous. That I'm nervous as hell.

That I might not be enough to make it as an adult. Sure, I can go to work. Sure, I'm good at my job, and I'll be challenged and overcome it, and be challenged again. I can save and pay off bills, make doctor's appointments and floss my teeth and (usually) take out the garbage. I can do that. I can be a fully functioning member of society. A tiny cog in a giant wheel that keeps rolling, uninterested in its miniscule parts. There is someone to fill the void; that's what matters. And I'm wondering this:

Do I want to be a void-filler? Or do I want something more?

Is the function of my life only that? A function? Or do I want to be fulfilled? Happy? And not just happy, but truly happy?

I want more than happy. I want joy. Joy isn't the same as happiness; it isn't fleeting. Happiness comes from sunshine, or puppy kisses, or hugs, or a new dress. Joy is deep-seated. It nestles in the confines of the heart and sticks there, even when sorrow and despair try to root it out. It is patient and enduring. I want joy.

I want to love what I do, and my life, and the people in it. I don't want to sit within the confines of an office wall, dreaming about what I could be doing. I want to be out there, doing them. Enjoying life. Experiencing the sad and the beautiful and the heart-wrenching and the happy sobbing: I want all of that. I want to find ways into foreign places, to direct my money in the direction of the unknown and follow it there in search of adventure, of something new.

I want a full life. One that isn't afraid of the future because of the past. One that won't be easily forgotten in dusty photograph albums, or one that no one cared enough about to show up at the funeral. I want to not say no, to have choices, to help others have choices too. Not to be selfish, not to be secluded, to make myself known in love and spread it to others.

I know we're all trying to find meaning in life. That for everyone, meaning is a little different. What makes one person happy won't fulfill another. And I know I'm not the only one having these thoughts. But if there are answers that have worked for you - share them, will you? I'm feeling a little lost.

Introspection doesn't always last long. Before I know it, I'll be caught up again, and moving forward - whatever that means. But as always, I'm grateful for the moments that allow me to reflect, to have me and God time, to figure out what matters most, and write them down, for when I need reminding.