It's funny how life goes on, isn't it

Me with Baby J, Tuesday night

It has been the craziest of crazy weeks, and my brain is just ... I don't even know. You know those teacup rides at fairs? The ones that spin you around and around, faster and faster, until you feel like you can't take it anymore? The ones that make you puke and screw with your head for a long time afterward? That would be my week. This post isn't going to make much sense and for that I'm sorry.

I've been in the apartment since Monday night and I know I promised pictures but they'll have to wait, there hasn't been time for anything like that lately. I like being there, I wrote about it on Tuesday, and soon after I wrote it I got a phone call.

One of my best friends was having her first baby - two weeks early. Panic attack, I left work early and drove to get her with her sister, and we were at the hospital until late that night, past my bedtime, but we were there and I saw a baby being born. It was the most incredible thing I've ever seen and also the most disgusting. I am never having children and that story deserves a post of its own someday because I am so, so proud of her and in love with her little man that I can hardly stand it.

Wednesday night one of my sisters was killed in a car accident but I didn't find out until yesterday morning. I wanted to leave work early but I couldn't because of the whole baby being born that week thing, so I sat at my desk and did nothing all afternoon. Completely in shock. I can't conceive of a life there one second and gone the next.

There was a candlelight vigil at 8 so I drove down to Ursinus to be there with my sisters who had come from as far away as New York, and although it was a terrible reason that brought us together I was grateful to see them all, and so thankful to the UC community for all the support and well-wishes. We stood in front of her temporary memorial, holding candles and our arms wrapped around each other, catching each other's pain and tears. Sharing the pain, sharing love. It was so hard. We spent a long time in the Sigma suite afterwards, talking and crying and sharing memories.

A had a soccer game at 10, which I stayed to see. I was still in shock and there were still tears coming out but despite all that, watching him play and cheer on his teammates and be so completely in his zone, I couldn't stop thinking, my God I love that man. 

I don't know where all that was meant to go; sometimes I think you just need to write exactly what you're feeling and that is "lost." I am lost for words for my sisters - my friends - there is no way to explain how accidents happen and why people get taken from us, people we love. Everyone has their own beliefs about life and death and this isn't the time to get into that, but I do wonder why God pulled her so early, when she was in the midst of a life she loved to be in. I am lost and unable to put my feelings into words, I just want to sleep for a long time, but it's funny how life goes on, isn't it, and you just have to pull yourself up and muddle on and do the best with what you've got.