a little more personal

LBI, summer 2012



I don’t tend to post about personal things, but this is something that’s been on my mind frequently for the past week or so.

See, there is this little problem I have sometimes.

This little temper of mine. And it comes out more than I want it to, and mostly at the worst times.

Yesterday A and I were talking about the trouble I’ve been having at home lately. I really, really, really didn’t want to leave him and his wonderful parents and his house that is starting to feel very home-like to me, and naturally I did the logical thing … and started crying. Not the full blown ugly cry, but, you know, chin wobbling and eyes welling and your voice gets so tiny you can’t recognize it anymore crying. And in that tiny voice I said, “please don’t make me go home.”

Here’s where the temper part comes in. I knew the second I said it that it was unrealistic. Of course I had to go home. But I wanted him to tell me that no, I didn’t have to, that I could stay and he would make everything bad go away. Because in a perfect world that’s what would happen. Logically, I knew that. And he knew it too, but there wasn’t anything he could do. And I forgot that.

And I got mad. The whole way home I cried; frustrated, angry tears because I couldn’t change what was going on at home, and I couldn’t help that I had to go there, and because even though it was unrealistic, I wanted A to fix it. He was patient, he was incredibly kind and sweet … and I was mean. He would ask if I wanted to call him, if I wanted to stay and leave early in the morning for work, if there was anything he could do … and I would say “It’s fine.” “It’s okay.” I shut him out.

And now, today, I feel stupid.

I feel stupid for letting my emotions get the best of me.

I feel stupid for taking them out on the person who was trying to help me;

The person I care about more than most anyone else on the planet.

I feel stupid for having unrealistic expectations of him.

It’s hard to sum all that up in an “I’m sorry.”