Can you love someone so much it hurts? Can you stop caring about the rest of the world for a time, for a millisecond in the infinite expanse of the universe, but long enough to drive your friends and family mad because they no longer see you or - possibly - even think you exist? Can you manipulate your time around a person so that your days are no longer centered around the things you must do but the time when you can be with them, and everything else becomes secondary? Can you honestly stop caring if you eat or sleep because it's a waste of time?
These are the questions that are on my mind these days.
That, and "what am I doing with my life?" Of course, this is never out of my head; it's an endless cycle of what-if's that never slows, let alone stops. My favorite professor designated our class time today to talking about our futures as environmental studies undergrads. I felt like vomiting. After class two of my best friends and I walked back to our house and huddled together for a solid half hour, crying. Sometimes, there are no words.
I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm doing, so please, don't ask. There are a million things I desire out of life, from staying at Ursinus in my lovely little white house forever to travelling the globe and seeing everything God created for us to enjoy. The thought of so many opportunities, all the logistics, all the things I need to happen or could make happen is so overwhelming. My body physically hurts from the stress and the thinking of it all. i'm moments away from tears at the drop of a hat. Christmas music makes me cry, the sight of babies and young families makes me cry, the idea of leaving makes me sob. And yet I'm so happy that I almost don't care. I've never felt so alive. Is it possible to have a (slightly less than) quarter life crisis? I think I'm having one.
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